Before you start walking down this rather rocky road with thorns of all styles (must be coherent with the theme, my curious savvy souls) and curves, I urge you to rethink your decision of reading this post. There are secrets revealed, secrets so dark that the next time you find yourself standing in front of your closet trying to decide on an appropriate choice of clothing, memories of this post will haunt you. Hence, I advise you to move forward only if your heart, mind and fashion sense (however much there may be) allow you to, I cannot take responsibility for what happens beyond this point…..
So you stayed? I suppose, read on then…
Now my lovely souls, this post is almost a no-brainer! Why you ask? Good question. The title pretty much says it all. If you have ever happened to come across the Holy Book of Clothes – yes it’s out there, more protected than the Holy Grail, been passed down from generation to generation and the Holy Prophets of Fashion and Clothes protect it, you would probably know that this question has been asked for centuries. Dah-lings, did you really assume all those ancient Greek goddesses just woke up and wore their finest? No, they went and stood in front of their pretty closets while their dedicated servant trot up to them with a tray with tea and whatever might be Greek cookies with perhaps a copy of the Greek Daily (they liked their news and horoscopes, don’t judge) inscribed on stone (?). The next thing you know, the goddess is faced with a question that has perplexed humanity for eons – what will i wear today? Even savvy souls such as yours truly has slipped up on this one and trust me there is no going back. So based on my baseless research about nothing really, I decided you, my precious readers, need to know how to deal with such a situation.
Of course you already deal with it in your own way right now, you sometimes call a close friend, ask for your roommate / friend’s advice or even (unwillingly so) sometimes find yourself staring at your cat in the hope that she or he would give you a nod of approval (they never do! such lazy whisker-y souls they are). I find the whole idea of it quite amusing, now don’t go judging me, I once called a close friend before my undergrad school was going to start to ask her what she was wearing, we now of course laugh at ourselves but we’ve all been there.
So I thought it would be quite interesting to put this ‘act’ of ours in perspective – aka my perspective. I promise nothing but sarcasm and witty fun. We all know the setting, it starts from you having to be somewhere either the same day or the next or a month from now (it would make you quite sad if you’re deciding a month in advance unless its YOUR wedding). Let’s cut to the chase shall we? You standing in front of your closet and amazed at how your choices have suddenly shrunk (last time you check you had a pretty happening closet!) and the only options you have seem like they just wouldn’t cut it (also has you wondering if these clothes actually belong to you) – basically, you’re clueless. And here are the few ways you will deal with the situation at hand -
1.Free, In-house Fashion Consultant (aka Soul-tant)
When God sent us in this sad, scary, super-bad almost evil world, he sent one more person for us. Please try and ignore that instinct that makes you want to think ‘soul-mate’ – seriously, have some class. I am referring to a class of ‘souls’ way above the soul-mate grade THAT one person who will be your constant consultant. This person is either a close friend, relative, someone-random-yet-with-great-fashion-sense. And whether you admit it or not, they are responsible for saving our sweet little ass when all closet-logic fails. We take our countless combinations to them and everything depends on their look of approval. Once the verdict has been made, there is absolutely no going back.
If you must know ‘closet-logic‘ refers to the maximum level of sanity one can maintain while staring at the closet – I suppose its up to me now, educating the human race.
2. Mirror, Mirror on the wall
Remember our lovely friend Snow White who had that weird thing going on with Apples? No, we don’t call on her for help on this one, because clearly dah-ling, yellow / blue combo never caught on. She should have learned from her friends Cinderella who at least got some cheap mouse labour to bring some new clothes in.
I am referring to the only important character and perhaps the best performed role in the story. Yes it is that of The Mirror. Why? Because if that Mirror wasn’t in the story, the Wicked Witch / Queen wouldn’t be asking silly questions about fairness and hence would not get after Snow White’s case. If only the Witch had been born in the era of endless fairness creams, I bet they’d appoint her Brand Ambassador. But I digress. The Mirror, is perhaps man / woman’s best friend when it comes to the question of what to wear. It can’t talk back so atleast we have that covered, it does a good job of showing you what you look like and without uttering an annoying word you have your answer. By the way, those who rely on the mirror take its feedback very seriously. They will stand there, make eye contact with the mirror, flirt a little sometimes, check each angle and think for a while (I think this is a time for some serious telepathy stuff between mirror and person X) and then they will make their decision. If I were you, I would maintain 5 ft distance from the Mirror and person X at this time.
3. The only thing that is constant is change
No, I didn’t get the saying wrong, I just got it right for this very type. This is my favorite category to watch but the most frustrating one to endure. These crazy souls are perfectionists deep down inside and would never admit it. For them, I’d rather do a demonstration….
Person XYZ (let’s call them ‘dresser’ shall we?) has shortlisted 4 pairs of clothes.
Step 1 – Iron and wear the first choice and think ‘This looks good but not quite maybe I should try option 2 just in case…’
Step 2 – Iron and wear second option and think ‘This doesn’t look so bad, but then another option – that other shirt I wore the other day looked pretty good and I looked thinner…’
Step 3 – Out comes option 5 and the rest as they say is history followed by a pile of clothes on their bed, chair, floor and ceiling fans (yes there are those too!)
While I can’t deny the entertainment value here, this dah-lings is epic dressing fail!
4. Internet Fashion Diva
Now don’t look at this in an odd way, you know exactly who you are. Let’s not deny it, we have all once stood in front of our closet and had that surprising urge to want to look up if the combination in question or piece of clothing makes any sense at all. And then like those funky animated bulbs just pop up in cartoons, a thought pops in our pretty head, ‘what would google do’ – or in other cases, just google the damn thing! And there’s no shame in it dah-lings, that’s the beauty of it all! You can quickly sneak your laptop / PC / monster mainframe or whatever that you use to connect the internet (I’m not judging!) and sit in a corner and Google away all your closet woes. What else was the site made for right? Heck, I bet your Soul-tant couldn’t do a better job for you. I’m just saying….
5. Fundamentalist Fashionista
I love this one so much I am literally rubbing my hands in excitement. You my lovely dah-lings are the crème de la crème of the changing community (apparently it’s a thing). Which is also why you’re number 5 on my list, for those of you missing the sarcasm in my tone please go hang with Sheldon Cooper.
Anywho, so this ‘type’ of dresser, is one who loves fashion with a passion. They thrive on owning the latest piece of fashion by the top designers and know exactly what’s in season and (this is my favourite part) they are crazy about getting the combination right. I mean these souls would not dare step out of their respective houses unless and until they knew what they were wearing met the necessary matching standard. For those of you who live with these people, you have my sympathy. I cannot imagine tolerating someone who needs to wear clothes, shoes, accessories and perhaps underwear that matches. It would be nothing but painful.