The Attack of the ‘Wedding Clothes’ – A Survivor’s Guide (The Subcontinent Version)

So I wrote another post on the subject and found myself ranting about weddings and their preparations which I must admit was great fun but then some form of sanity struck me. Upon reading the post again, I realized how bitchy I sound and I just didn’t want you to give up on this blog yet. Also, I have this whole clan of non-existent simpletons that I’m representing. Apparently, somewhere in the book it says, we’re nice. But that is a discussion for another day.

I am from the sub continent. A part of the world where a wedding is perhaps the biggest party you ever attended. Maybe I’m exaggerating but for many people it’s true. Bottom line – weddings are massive and if you’re attending a wedding in the subcontinent you better be prepared to be bombarded. I’m not against dressing up, we all want to look hot (well some of us prefer doing so more often and more unnaturally than others) – however, there are  a few problem with this particular situation.

a) Its not one day, or two days, it is usually a week long affair – that means one week of seeing the same people but dressing up differently.

b) The closer you are to the bride or groom the more, the higher the expected grandiose-ness of your outfit (this actually refers to the ‘heaviness’ of the work on your clothes or how detailed they are in design). More like a uniform of say, better clothes? Pretty sane right?

c) My favorite – the better looking your clothes (basically how well they kick everyone elses’ clothes ass) = how happy you are – WHAAAT? I swear I’d answer that but God knows I did not invent this formula.

d) Prepare atleast a lifetime in advance or prepare for the wrath of, well, pretty much everyone around you.

e) All of the above.

Now that we know ‘some’ of the problems lets talk about solutions.  How exactly do you get out of a sticky situation like this? The good news is that these uniquely crafted and well researched skills have been tried before. By me of course. But they’ve successfully failed. So I’m not offering any guarantees – but what have you got to lose? An invitation to a relative’s wedding? I’d die for one of those!

1. Stay away from the excited ones. Never ever be around. When they pick up a piece of cloth or touch an outfit with a sparkle in their eyes – you should just not be there. Pull the disappearing act if you must! If you stay, there’s no coming back,

2. Never ever express your true feelings about wedding clothes. If someone is asking you, they are doing so because they need approval and not your opinion. What’s the generic response? Simple. It’s lovely, but not for me. We simpletons can pull a modest anywhere and everywhere. It’s a gift. Put it to good use.

3. Do not decide on what you want to wear until the very last minute. And if someone asks you, just sigh and say, ‘It’s just so difficult to decide what so many option.’ Now there are tons of advantage of doing this. a) You don’t have to over discuss the what, the why and the how? b) If there are any candidates who are expected to reject your choice, all you need to do is act nonchalant and say – oh but its too late now. c) If for any reason you decide to abandon project wedding clothes or project wedding – there’s no frenzy of questions. They will never miss what they haven’t seen.

This is  a topic that needs more attention from the simpleton. I will continue to update this guide for all the simpletons out there who are crazy enough to believe that there is indeed a cure for the ‘Attack of the Wedding Clothes’ but believe it or not, this one just reproduces on is own.

Until then – Happy Survival.


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