Busted! Myths About the Simpleton (Yes, this will feature on Mythbusters next season dah-lings!)

I have spent much time considering my new post picking up random bits and pieces of inspiration here and there. And while I keep hitting the refresh button on my stats (575 hits, yes I am an absolute show off, and you thought all simpletons were docile, modest souls – seriously, we’re simpletons not cats) I’ve been processing the ‘preconceived notions’ that come attached with the simpleton label.

I won’t deny that being one has its perks, I get to be in other people’s heads. How? It’s quite simple (lack of a better word:)), while they ‘sum’ me up as a simpleton, I prepare a nice little comeback for when they finally give in to that nagging urge and slip a comment about me. And yes I say this from quite some experience (I remember all you calculative, presumptuous souls, you know who, where, what you are). We’re all humans, there’s nothing stopping us from our judgements and I don’t blame you for your instincts. However, we came gifted with our set of instincts too (come on, The Big Guy’s got to be fair) and they usually appear in the form of sarcasm and a series of witty comebacks so it’s all part of the package. Too bad you were busy focusing on getting the right amount of product stuffed into your brains, I mean, face then. So I’d say, non-simpletons need this list more than the likes of me, but then again, I tend to be wrong quite more frequently than one could imagine.

Special Note: These myths are not necessarily a prevailing ‘trait’ of every simpleton so should not be considered in their totality but in complete isolation.

We all wear glasses.

While I squint my eyes to the extreme (almost resembling my cat when she knowingly avoids people) while typing this post without my specs I must clarify all the bespectacled souls in the world (while you all have my squinting sympathy and respect) are not simpletons. They are just merely people with different personalities and (oh my God this might come as a surprise, try and control your reaction before you read this) weak eyesight. Yes, believe it or not that is why people wear glasses and for us it is definitely not a simpleton fashion statement. An JUST for clarification purposes alone, we don’t come of out of the womb wearing glasses either. I know this kills it for some of you but really it’s time you started facing the harsh realities of life.

– We are all hippies / goths / mentally disturbed / want to kill ourselves.

To date, no medical research has been initiated to establish the connection between being a simpleton and mental illness. It has absolutely nothing to do with our mental wiring. Of course, I am not saying we’re all normal (well, most of us) but rest assured it is not a clinical problem. We do not need a psychiatrist. God just programmed us slightly differently and then added super awesome powers like the ones mentioned above. That’s all. Jealous much?

– We live or dream the perfect life.

No such faulty aspirations whatsoever. Refer to Superman for the Not So Savvy for our version of Prince Harming, erm, I meant Charming. Yes, I must admit, we do thrive on your misery on some days when you wear those uncomfortable ‘click clack’ heels that practically kill your toes. And they also serve the dual purpose of a substitute for caffeine in the workplace (JUST in case your morning coffee had not woken you up). Basically, the heels bring anything but good news. Yes, to us this is all very entertaining and no reconsidering point 2 in reference to our mental state after reading point 3 is not an option. This is a very sequential post.

– We’re too simple for bullshit.

This one’s a special for the guys. Listen, just because you think we’re low maintenance (and you’re wrong, refer to point 6 – not without reading this and 5 though – slow down) and a little out there does not mean when you throw self righteous bull shit at us, we will take it. In fact, we will take it and then we will shove it in your face (I would like for this blog to survive hence the lack of a more ‘appropriate’ part of the human anatomy, but do feel free to use your imagination the way you fancy).

– Unruly hair is part of the act.

Okay, let’s get it out in the open, the hair has got nothing to do with simplicity. It has much to do with laziness and even more to do with not wanting to look like an ad for a shampoo brand 24/7. Other than that, really, we’re all pretty normal about our hair. Yes, you may not start counting all the people you know with unruly hair and wrote off as simpletons.

– We are low maintenance.

Yes, we don’t have taste for expensive rocks and face paint and I don’t say this with mockery, try being in a conversation with 4 people of the same gender and having absolutely nothing to contribute but sarcastic remarks. It’s not pretty. But that does not mean we’re low maintenance, we just like to compensate in, let’s just say, other materialistic things. In case, you’re wondering what they are and I know you are. I would like to introduce you to what I call the ‘Maintenance Meter‘ – very interesting concept. Whether we like to admit it or not, as humans we have a certain level of maintenance that we require, these usually exist in the form of random demands that might mean shit loads to you, quite rightly so but to those around who are trying to ‘support’ your demands, well, they’re a pain in the ass. So assuming that an average girl has a meter that goes up to say 5000 (tangible, intangible and everything else in between!) – this would be my ‘Maintenance Meter’  and mind you this is only based on my top 5 demands!

The Meter Effect Takes a Toll on the Wallet Too!

i. Travel the world

Maintenance Meter: +1500

ii. Own a sexy Mini Cooper one day

Maintenance Meter: +1000

iii. Collect all Angry Birds merchandise (subject to change based on mood and love for angry birds)

Maintenance Meter: +200 (not having them all can lead to serious mood swings!)

iv.  Beat Aki in ipod Tennis atleast 5 times with 6 to none (That’s right, bitch! No offense to the Japanese of course, this is strictly between virtual Aki and me)

Maintenance Meter: +500 (this package comes with serious abuse and temper tolerance and calming down abilities)

v. Aviator sun glasses, Fossil watch (2 sweet treats from the only watch company that should exist, I don’t expect my savvy readers to understand, of course to you if it’s not Guess it probably doesn’t tell the time right) AND lusting after a Wii or U for no reason at all

Maintenance Meter: +700

[Yes, they’re actually 7, you’re not that smart, I made a commitment and 7 looks so incomplete, its not even a list then]

I think I heard, ka-ching sound go off in the distance somewhere but I guess it’s just in someone’s sweet little head.

This post was originally meant to have 10 points but really I think I have hit the bitchy limit with this one so I must stop. And based on my latest inspiration from the Oatmeal (not the kind you eat dah-lings), I realize if you take the numbers away, lists look super sexy and long! <—- And  that’s my ‘listing’ fashion advice for Australian Winter 2011 ladies! So inspiring, sigh.

That’s it from me. If I don’t post again, my savvy friends sent a squad over to get rid of me and that too on the risk of chipping their nails and missing their weekly manicures so in all honesty you should give them due credit for their commitment to the cause.

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