Ooh, I am so excited about this post for many many reasons. And they are as follows:
a) My title sounds like something off the cover of Cosmo (oh, yeah bitches!). I will soon have my very own publication and the Simpletons will finally be on magazine covers making fashion statement. Fuck, did I just spill the grand plan?
b) My semester has finally ended and I will not be interrupting this post with random thoughts on human behavior at work. Please go ahead and sigh that sigh you’ve been holding back.
c) This also means I’m officially on vacation AND have been reeling this post for the past week, imagine the restraint. Celebrity Sister and Rockstar Boyfriend (oh I haven’t mentioned him, he’s quite the shit dah-lings!) usually suffered the brunt
d) And finally, I’m in a super savvy place while I type this post, trust me, at this point you could use some of that envious blood against a simpleton, it will be well spent. I just have some friends in some very high places is all I can say at this point. (Update: I am now back to the real world, this post did not see its end in that fancy location, I suppose it’s a sign!)
Now, moving on to the topic at hand – this concept (of sorts), came to me while I was busy stalling studying and wasting time in the mall. Don’t worry the cause was novel as it happens, I was providing moral support to Celebrity Sister while she got her haircut. If you’re a female I’m sure you understand the importance of moral support pre, during and post a haircut. The term for this is ‘Moral Haircut Reinforcement‘ and this is how it works: There can be a total of 4 reactions to a haircut by the ‘haircut-ee’ and all reactions need an equally reassuring reaction.
Haircut-ee: ‘Love it! This is amazing, I think I look even better than x celebrity who had the same one.’ (Insert tons of gloating)
MHR: ‘Yeah! Totally, you look sooo great. It’s amazing – wow, I think I want it too!’ (Absolute lie alert) Now here’s the thing, the MHR may or may not agree with this, she might just think the haircut is okay and not really all that better from the celebrity BUT in order to cover this truth and avoid lying – she will also say ‘And I love the blow dry, they’ve done such a great job’. Strategically evaded.
Haircut-ee: ‘WTF! I look ugly, this is not what I wanted and I couldn’t even say anything to the fussy hairdresser – unbelievable!’
MHR: Enter comforting role. ‘Of course not. It’s not that bad at all, you actually look different and err, refreshing – you needed this. And yes, I agree the hairdresser should have listened, you were so specific about your instructions.’ Think Damage Control – great way to get some PR Experience!
Haircut-ee: ‘So what do you think? I like it but you know the length is not what I wanted. I mean she did a good job, she spent so much time with attention to detail. But you know, if only she’d focused on the length…what do you say?’
MHR: ‘Oh no, it’s not that bad! The length might be a bit short but you can’t tell really (heck, I couldn’t tell earlier either) but it still looks great.’
Haircut-ee: ‘Phew! semi annual haircut out of the way. Looks good I think. Hairdresser, could you keep the blow dry on the down low? I don’t want to walk out looking like the 80’s just big-banged in my hair.’
MHR: ‘Noway! It looks soo good. Keep the blow dry (also could be a way of saying your haircut ain’t that great, hun! keep the blowdry).’
And in case you are wondering, I’m usually number 4 as the haircut-ee and have experienced all the ones before too. We all need an MHR once in a while no point in denying that. Please don’t get into a frenzy of trying to figure out what your last MHR did, I do want to live thank you very much. Besides, I expect Celebrity Sister to scream call me from the other room as soon she reads this, I’m in danger in my own house at the moment – no point in coming after me!
Now, before you go off making me digress yet again – let’s cut to the chase shall we? So while I am performing the role of the reinforcer and avoiding the temptation of running off to K Mart or Cotton On (the two loves of my shopping life these days) – it hits me! We are all shopaholics at heart just at varying degrees and with various strategic objectives (ignore the business student in me ladies). I came up with a list of Shopaholic types. They’re just my version of the average shopper and I promise there’s no quiz with points at the end, either you’re one of the following or two or you might not find a match at all – this is purely for my entertainment only.
1. Serial Shopper
Now we all know the popular, Serial Killers. These are killers of a different variety, they are satiated by the idea of going out for a shopping ‘kill’. These shoppers are very very particular about what they want and how they want it. My advice don’t be the one standing in their way, you never know what they might do.
2. MI Shopper (Mission Impossible dah-lings, now just because he’s aging we must not forget his handsome good looks in the first 2 movies or was it 3?)
This is one shopper who will never ever ever ever decide on one thing or find what he/she is looking for. No, I’m not talking about ‘hey I can’t decide – help me out. This or that or the other’ – this one will just NOT decide. They will just make the objective of a shopping trip, which is in fact, shopping – absolutely futile. My advice: let them go on their own and make the salesperson’s life a living hell. God bless their poor soul. This state is also recognized as a ‘Decision Impairment’ if you ever notice the symptoms, I say run in the very opposite direction and it would work out perfectly fine if you decide not to return. You just might live.
3. Impulse Buyer
This one’s my personal favorite. They have this genius plan worked out which is absolutely guilt free and gets you the goods too. No, not those kinds of goods, hands away from the pants now. This is what they’ll do – they’ll budget for a very innocent ‘stroll’ to the mall. They will walk in and purchase that ‘shampoo’ which is an everyday item. Fairly honest and harmless. However, while they’re there, they think, maybe I should have a look at the ‘skin care’ section and of course – there will be something I really need and must buy and hence starts the impulse buying spree. Oh and the boys, you’re no less – you might not do this with creams (unless you’re one of my metro friends, respect for you and your hands that are softer than mine on most days), men tend to do it with clothes. What starts with a shirt for work, ends with an additional pair of pants and belts. Don’t squirm, we all have an impulse buyer living inside us or on the left side of our head, possible with a tail and 2 horns – whatever suits you. You’re the savvy souls now aren’t you?
4. Retail Therapy Thirsty aka The Fix-er
Ever experienced feeling miserable, low, depressed, anti-work, anti-boss, anti-the-whole-world – and then as soon as you stepped inside a store where you found something you’ve set your eyes on for ages (read: exactly 2 days and 5 hours) is for sale be it 5%, its a sale! And the moment that lovely person behind the counter, who was atrocious the last time you came to the store, hands you a bag with a smile that only your mum would give you even when you screwed up big time – saying – ‘It’s all good, I got you. You deserve whatever it is that you’re buying’ (they’re also giving you that smile because it adds to their commission and kind of helps them feel good when they buy something but that’s all economics in crazy action). Then my savvy reader, you’re retail therapy thirsty or the ‘fix-er’. All those times you thought it was the ‘going out’ that was making you feel good or better about your sordid life, it was really that small shopping bag you had in your hand. You need a shopping fix to make the world a better place again and that’s just how you roll.
5. Guilt Trip Shopper
Okay so while some of you believe that guilt trip shopping and retail therapy are the same thing – it most certainly isn’t. This is all because you’re reading too many of those lousy articles/posts on those meaningless blogs about meaningless things, refer Brotip #818. And no, my blog is not meaningless, it has an absolutely distorted purpose which it successfully achieves so essentially, it’s a purposeful blog. Now before you really start thinking about the gibberish I just pulled, let’s stick to the point.
Guilt Trip Shopping ≠ Retail Therapy
While retail therapy is completely restricted to those ‘low’ days, guilt trip shopping is designed (by the Shopping Gods) to temporary rid you off your guilt. We don’t credit ourselves enough for our ability to realize our own bad-ass acts and at times we’re so aware of them that we’ll do just about anything to avoid thinking about them. Yes, talking to people you know or your pets or random people on the bus might help but it really doesn’t do it for you. And all my fitness freak readers out there, really, working out is good for frustrations but never really helps with the guilt. But shopping – oh bring the fancy items with those price tags on. Items which will never reply back or remind you of the madness of the world. This is pure unadulterated bliss. I mean of course, 24 hours later you will experience serious guilt about the amount you just spent on a branded pair of sunglasses that DO NOT make you look like George Clooney but someone has to keep those guys in business.
6. The Spending Spree Shopper
Oh this one’s a special for my fashionistas. This shopper was born to shop. If the Westfield people are planning to open a new mall in a new location, they will first count the number of these shopaholics to decide. Nothing like a good spending spree-er. And all you simpletons out there (didn’t think I forgot you, did you?), don’t take these ones lightly and shrug them off. They tend to have ‘Serial Shopper’ potential and of the extreme kind. If these shoppers come out with a purpose, it’s strong enough to kill. Now, you must not confuse them, they don’t have particular lists. They have basic ideas of what they want – if an average shopaholic mind works like – ‘Hey, black is cool, it will go with my green, blue blah coloured shirt’. The Shopping Spree-er thinks ‘Oh black, yeah should go with that one white shirt’ and that’s where it stops for everything else there should be something separate. They cannot leave a vicinity with shopping potential, be it one of these tourist-y shops with overpriced merchandise, without running their card. Oh dah-lings they only do cards, the banks pretty much thrive on these people along with those high end brands. How else can you explain the sale of some of the most hideous pieces of fashion one has ever witnessed by those upscale fashion designers – they are paid to be crazy by the crazy. And in case you’re still having a difficult time identifying one just browse through your social network list and see who has uploaded the pictures of new items that they own most AND/OR upload new pictures of themselves every other day wearing something new. Get my drift?