If I had a Life. (On Facebook)

The simpleton life has been anything but crazy for the past few weeks. While it makes me super sad to be typing yet another post [which I intend to complete before I hit the sack tonight (did not happen)- the simpleton needs her beauty sleep dah-lings!] I must go ahead and hit the publish button on this one or I will lose faith in this blog, my sarcasm and ability to write. And no I don’t want to know about how you already think that way.

Now you are all aware of my sheer love for social networking and how it has revolutionized socializing as we know it. How else would you know ‘xyz‘ is on vacation in London and having the time of her / his life there. No, I’m not judging I completely understand, no other way this life altering news reach you? One must put technology to its right use. And let’s no forget the amount of new material it adds to the (frequently) occasional gossip sessions. I mean informative discussions, excuse me oh Savvy Ones, I tread along the wrong route of thoughts and words sometimes – its a rare case of sarcasm, incurable I hear.

It’s rather efficient isn’t it though? If you’re all updated on the ‘basics’ of who wore what to the last charity event, all you need to do is follow up on how much money was spent and who was talking to whom because of course, those things only come from careful observation. A skill, I might add, that one only acquires with experience, dedication and truly precious times to kill. I don’t underestimate you, at all.

While I was thinking about what I can only describe as my close-to-obsession with social networking (oh what I would do without it), I did realize, quite humbly so, that my Facebook life is next to non-existent (damn it!). I should have left the darn website ages ago but I must admit, it keep you rather (annoyingly) well informed. Especially, if you’re away from home. I decided I’d take the role of the ‘bitch’ as always and describe all the great things I miss out on by not showing any commitment whatsoever to the Virtual Social Life (referred to as VSF from this point on).

Also I must add my friend, earlier referred to as the ‘friend in higher places‘, oh yes I am well connected, decided to quit Facebook and only lasted for a good 3 days. The man has triggered my curiosity.

Disclaimer before I move forward:

– I use ‘I’ because I’m the only one that’s deprived of all that is great about the Facebook. Also because I can’t take names. Let’s be honest, I find you quite sad and I know you feel the same way about my lack of VSF. Perhaps we could call it even but the simpleton bitch in me just wouldn’t settle. Sorry?

– This VSF business is specific to FB (acronyms dah-lings) because it has the ability to piss me off the most. I hear about this new ‘G+‘, the guys at Google just couldn’t stand anyone growing bigger than them. Greedy Bastards! It almost sounds like the lame song about the stick. NO not that stick pervert. So far, I don’t find G+ even bitch worthy (read: comment worthy). Hence I must settle for an old enemy.

So here goes – deep breath.

If I had a life on Facebook….

1. I’d have 500+ friends. Online.

50% would be people I met through work or friends and I would have no interest whatsoever in seeing them again. Yet I’d still wish them, because you know, Facebook told me to.

20% would be friends from say, 15 years ago, and now we just like to see them growing in pictures and while I have never met them, I will know exactly who their loved ones are.

15% would be people I knew in school / university etc. so well you know, friends by association of some sort….

5% would be family. Few of those who I actually decided to befriend and keep on limited profile because it’s just not polite to ignore their ‘Friend Request’ and deprive them of a growing friends list.

I can safely assume that the remaining 10 – 20 would be actual friends and quite honestly I wouldn’t need Facebook to update me about their lives.

2. Everyone on my FB would know about all the important events in my life. Everything from my birthday to my graduation will be duly promoted, recognized and wished upon. Have to give them credit for persistence, I wonder if the website has considered developing template messages like the ones that used to be in Nokia phone, to save time I suppose. If they did decide to launch it, I believe these would be the words:


Super like

Thank you



:), 😦 [and that heart symbol I still can’t figure out how to make, of course I want to use it on Rockstar Boyfriend‘s wall, you are so smart sometimes!]

Suggestion for more dah-lings? I know you love using those template comments, it’s almost as if you itch to respond. The VSF does have its own evil temptations.

3. I’d have a cult or if you must put it politely a fan base. Every time I’d put a new picture of an object as lame as a lifeless stuffed dog, I would attract at least 50 people who would think its cute and looks amazing [refer to point: 3]. Yes, I can’t wait for lifeless dog compliments! Sigh.

4. People would have an archive, nay, a database of how I have evolved (physically) in the past 5 years. This would include some pictures of me that wouldn’t quite match the pretty dressed up me but you will still find it worth commenting on.

5. Any data required to stalk, mug or harass me at any given point in time would be readily available. If any ‘friend‘ decided to rob me, I would just make it easier. In fact, I might just add the list of my non-existent assets too.

6. My geographical locations in a day could be easily marked on a map including the restaurants I have been to and with whom. I can totally imagine a friend suddenly thinking ‘Where might she be? Let me check Facebook.’ Really, because people do that in real life.

7. I would update the most trivial details of my life because I know you would give a shit (I mean care). Yes, using my new phone to access Facebook for the very first time is news and you must know it. It’s like when my child said his / herfirst words (teary eyed and what not) – isn’t it?

8. I would tell you exactly what I ate for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks in the middle and what it tasted like. And maybe, just maybe, if I’m in a good mood I’ll also let you know when / how / where it all came out. It’s all in the details dah-lings.

9. I would duly learn about the ‘Unwritten Facebook Etiquette’ – what is it you ask? Blasphemy! Apparently it is so sacred that I can’t even mention it. However, just to make my case I will give you an insight, you know how people sometimes ‘like’ everything, its all UFE. If you want to be on top of having VSF you have to know the UFE. So an equation you must never forget if you ever want an active VSF –

Awesome VSF = Abide by UFE

Not that I’m allowed to but if you have any interest in the text I could share the document with you for a very affordable price. Sorry Mark Zuckerberg I, too, need to pay for college not that you would know.

10. My VSF life would be the dream life or pretty much a dream. Almost felt like I went all Inception on you, the lame social- networking-blogger version of course. Time to wake up, dah-lings?


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