(cra)a(p)vertising (For Women)

How is that I find myself scribbling away in a library every single time, I have reason to believe it might have something to do with my deteriorating attention span, but can’t be sure. I suppose I could use one of those direct / directly inverse relationships to prove my point but I’m just too darn lazy.

For those of you who are still confused about what the title means, I humbly advise you not to bother reading the rest. I couldn’t make the word any more obvious dah-ling. Although I must admit my first thought was ‘(b)advertising‘ (trademarked, registered, etc etc) but it lacks glamor and you know how I am all about glamour and the glitz and all that fancy craziness that comes with it. I can’t deny it, I have fantasized a Carrie Bradshaw like version of myself where I’m typing away and my own recording plays in the background with my thoughts, sigh to be Carrie on Sex and the City. For all you savvy ones, I am sure you were too busy looking at the clothes, make-up, jewelry, naked Samantha etc. on the show, but you see there was a story there. Anyway, I’d rather not have you exercise your brain cells so much, I wouldn’t want your head hurting from paragraph reading (yeah baby, rhymes!).

For the record, I have an annoying couple hanging around the library pretending to study with books open while the girl (in her attempt to not laugh loud) is laughing one of those gasping laughs (oh honey, not a turn on!). Now I am used to this and usually wouldn’t have a problem with what can be best described as ‘Library Love‘ but you can’t blame me for being annoyed with it either. Consider this, you go to your favourite library, the one with all the windows and couches. Find your newly found comfy couch and I mean next level comfy. Prop your legs up, open your laptop, have reached that tipping point of studying / distraction and are in this phase of absolute inspiration for a blog post when you hear the ‘laugh‘. And since you should not be deprived of this great moment (and I need a reason to rant about it) – I should describe the little routine they have going:

Setting: Books open, sitting across from each other, average looking souls (all in the details, dah-lings!) – my personal comments are in bold.

3:00pm – Girl looking down at her open book, boy looking down at his open book. This is when they seemed like the average students…

3:03pm – Girl looks up and smiles. And I thought I had attention span issues.

3:05pm – Girls laughs the annoying gasping laugh and then starts playing with what seems like residue from an eraser – if you must know (and I know you do), she’s putting it on his book. What attention seeking tactics!

3:07 pm – One of them looks around to check if they are disturbing anyone. HELL YEAH!

3:10pm – Both of them look down, attempting to study yet again.

3:13pm – Girl is annoying laughing again – coyly moving her hand towards the boy for his hand. So original, oldest rule in the Flirting in Library 101 book!

3:15pm – The boy spoke, he actually uttered something and there they go laughing again. Silently praying for the gasping laugh not to haunt me, oh please dear God, have some mercy!

3:20pm – Pretending to study again. This would be attempt number 4! I imagine my eyes are begging them to get a room by this time.

3:23pm – Oh wait there it is! I now see it, the universal truth. They’re writing on the book and talking. Mature, very mature.

3:25pm Gave up on making them stop by using my super (eye) powers and staring at them (screw you Superman!)

If you must know, my true opinion is one of hypocrisy on the concept of Library Love. Enough said.

Anyway, back to important business, its not like I’m anti-advertising, my degree and work experience would be worthless if I was plus Rockstar Boyfriend’s entire career would have been questionable. Yes dah-lings, the simpletons just don’t land those doctors and landlords (pun intended). Our sense of humour just wouldn’t digest those. But I am appalled by the kind of obnoxious things I see in the form ‘communicating the benefits of something’. Not exactly like that now, is it? And specially those that go out to the women (almost 70% do, they know they want to fool all shopaholics – wise asses!) setting crazy stereotypes. I thought I’d finally do it, bash them left right and center and wonder if it would do any good to society. Probably not, but who gives a fuck?

1. PMS Baby – The Sanity Napkin!

This one is a no-brainer, I have been watching ads for sanitary napkins (it’s the 2011 way of saying brutally blunt words like ‘tampons’ and ‘pads’) since I was in diapers. And I come from a conservative part of the world so the ‘technique’ with which these ads are tackled is quite different, however, amazingly enough their pattern is the same. Here’s what the ad will show you…

Scene 1: Female looking clearly distressed (about not being able to play, go out, do basic work etc.)

Scene 2: Step in mum / friend / relative / whosoever that might matter and offers a new sanitary napkin while explaining the benefits to you. Yeah that’s right, we all have long conversation about how good the absorbing elements of sanitary napkins are.

Scene 3: Female looks ecstatic – all of life’s problems have been solved and you can live again? Err yes..

Scene 4: Ad ends on happy note. Yay for sanity napkins!

Now for those of you blind enough not to see it, this is clearly an inspiration from Cinderella, where PMS-ing for little Cindy was an ordeal, enter fairy God mother to fix it. Great concept, almost like a workable formula no? Wrong.

For a truly visual depiction of this, I advise all women to watch No Strings Attached, they couldn’t have done a better job to show the crazy side of a PMS-ing household. Plus you get Ashton‘s cute looks the entire time dah-lings!

2. The Health Queen

This is a specific inspiration from a new Special K ad I saw recently. The ad features a young girl going to look for the perfect breakfast which is of course healthy, wearing sweats and looking like she’s going for the (brekkie) kill. Now don’t get me wrong, I am a Special K loyalist, but I don’t remember going out in my sweats ever looking for the perfect healthy breakfast. Believe it or not dah-lings, if I read pancakes somewhere, all the special A B C’s of the world go out of the window. Plus, if I’m not wrong we all think in terms of minutes of walking = must eat extra, just burned a few good calories there.

3. The Soul Sisters

This one’s my favourite, ALWAYS (without fail) features a group of friends, sitting and having a fun conversation and you’ll never know what this fun conversation is about because clearly you’re not invited. These girls will be all dressed up, looking like the happiest souls on earth and look like they’re on perpetual vacation. Suddenly, x product which is most likely coffee, tea, health-related-pill etc. come up and wave the commercial magic wand and problem solved. Reality check, if I may:

– When hanging out with close friends am definitely using words like bitch more than I’m smiling.

– I am most likely bitching about something and definitely not looking like someone slipped me a life-is-perfect-pill before the meeting.

– And we REALLLY do not talk about products lest waving a magic wand and making all aches and pains of life going away. Would kind of defeat the purpose of a good old gossip / whining session?

4. The Super Mom

After observing Celebrity Sister for months with her Fabulous Two (yes, Savvy Moms just might be the new fashion statement of 2011) I have realized that there is an element of truth in those ads that go out with mums multi-tasking and I can’t argue with that. However, what’s with these moms looking super fine every time? Do you really expect me to buy that Miss ‘x’ walked out of bed looking like she could do one of those ‘I’m awake and alive’ type morning shows? Think about it, they have all they need:

– Perky attitude

– Perfectly done hair

– Clean, ironed clothing

– Little bit of make-up but not too much (might give away – seriously)

– Always a voice (of God?), to solve all their problems

Funny these voices never show up in our household to rewind events and fix our problems. Ah, the perils of having a real life.

5. The Always Single Hottie

Another global phenomenon, the just around the corner hottie. This one is a classic and I bet you they’ve been reinventing the concept since advertising on TV began! The products may have evolved over time and so has the story execution but the storyline remains the same. Girl has a problem (bad skin, ugly hair, body odor), basically the kind of problems that make her feel unattractive. Then comes special cream, deo, spray, magic water etc and the girl is drastically transformed. Has been exactly 5 seconds since this female decided to use the product and enter Wonder Boy. And no she did not have to go to a party or fancy dinner to score this one – apparently he was just walking around the corner and fell in lurve right away. Point one, Cinderella reference applies here too! Only because now she can freely stretch her hands up, isn’t that just fantastic? That’s not it, he’s single, rich looking, good looking and potentially your future husband and now that’s what I call selling dreams through a deodorants and shampoo bottles. Move over Disneyland!

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