Archive

Back to Basics

Before you start walking down this rather rocky road with thorns of all styles (must be coherent with the theme, my curious savvy souls) and curves, I urge you to rethink your decision of reading this post. There are secrets revealed, secrets so dark that the next time you find yourself standing in front of your closet trying to decide on an appropriate choice of clothing, memories of this post will haunt you. Hence, I advise you to move forward only if your heart, mind and fashion sense (however much there may be) allow you to, I cannot take responsibility for what happens beyond this point…..

So you stayed? I suppose, read on then…

Now my lovely souls, this post is almost a no-brainer! Why you ask? Good question. The title pretty much says it all. If you have ever happened to come across the Holy Book of Clothes – yes it’s out there, more protected than the Holy Grail, been passed down from generation to generation and the Holy Prophets of Fashion and Clothes protect it, you would probably know that this question has been asked for centuries. Dah-lings, did you really assume all those ancient Greek goddesses just woke up and wore their finest? No, they went and stood in front of their pretty closets while their dedicated servant trot up to them with a tray with tea and whatever might be Greek cookies with perhaps a copy of the Greek Daily (they liked their news and horoscopes, don’t judge) inscribed on stone (?). The next thing you know, the goddess is faced with a question that has perplexed humanity for eons – what will i wear today? Even savvy souls such as yours truly has slipped up on this one and trust me there is no going back. So based on my baseless research about nothing really, I decided you, my precious readers, need to know how to deal with such a situation.

Of course you already deal with it in your own way right now, you sometimes call a close friend, ask for your roommate / friend’s advice or even (unwillingly so) sometimes find yourself staring at your cat in the hope that she or he would give you a nod of approval (they never do! such lazy whisker-y souls they are). I find the whole idea of it quite amusing, now don’t go judging me, I once called a close friend before my undergrad school was going to start to ask her what she was wearing, we now of course laugh at ourselves but we’ve all been there.

So I thought it would be quite interesting to put this ‘act’ of ours in perspective – aka my perspective. I promise nothing but sarcasm and witty fun. We all know the setting, it starts from you having to be somewhere either the same day or the next or a month from now (it would make you quite sad if you’re deciding a month in advance unless its YOUR wedding). Let’s cut to the chase shall we? You standing in front of your closet and amazed at how your choices have suddenly shrunk (last time you check you had a pretty happening closet!) and the only options you have seem like they just wouldn’t cut it (also has you wondering if these clothes actually belong to you) – basically, you’re clueless. And here are the few ways you will deal with the situation at hand –

1.Free, In-house Fashion Consultant (aka Soul-tant)

When God sent us in this sad, scary, super-bad almost evil world, he sent one more person for us. Please try and ignore that instinct that makes you want to think ‘soul-mate’ – seriously, have some class. I am referring to a class of ‘souls’ way above the soul-mate grade THAT one person who will be your constant consultant. This person is either a close friend, relative, someone-random-yet-with-great-fashion-sense. And whether you admit it or not, they are responsible for saving our sweet little ass when all closet-logic fails. We take our countless combinations to them and everything depends on their look of approval. Once the verdict has been made, there is absolutely no going back.

If you must know ‘closet-logic‘ refers to the maximum level of sanity one can maintain while staring at the closet – I suppose its up to me now, educating the human race.

2. Mirror, Mirror on the wall

Remember our lovely friend Snow White who had that weird thing going on with Apples? No, we don’t call on her for help on this one, because clearly dah-ling, yellow / blue combo never caught on. She should have learned from her friends Cinderella who at least got some cheap mouse labour to bring some new clothes in.

I am referring to the only important character and perhaps the best performed role in the story. Yes it is that of The Mirror. Why? Because if that Mirror wasn’t in the story, the Wicked Witch / Queen wouldn’t be asking silly questions about fairness and hence would not get after Snow White’s case. If only the Witch had been born in the era of endless fairness creams, I bet they’d appoint her Brand Ambassador. But I digress. The Mirror, is perhaps man / woman’s best friend when it comes to the question of what to wear. It can’t talk back so atleast we have that covered, it does a good job of showing you what you look like and without uttering an annoying word you have your answer. By the way, those who rely on the mirror take its feedback very seriously. They will stand there, make eye contact with the mirror, flirt a little sometimes, check each angle and think for a while (I think this is a time for some serious telepathy stuff between mirror and person X) and then they will make their decision. If I were you, I would maintain 5 ft distance from the Mirror and person X at this time.

3. The only thing that is constant is change

No, I didn’t get the saying wrong, I just got it right for this very type. This is my favorite category to watch but the most frustrating one to endure. These crazy souls are perfectionists deep down inside and would never admit it. For them, I’d rather do a demonstration….

Person XYZ (let’s call them ‘dresser’ shall we?) has shortlisted 4 pairs of clothes.

Step 1 – Iron and wear the first choice and think ‘This looks good but not quite maybe I should try option 2 just in case…’

Step 2 – Iron and wear second option and think ‘This doesn’t look so bad, but then another option – that other shirt I wore the other day looked pretty good and I looked thinner…’

Step 3 – Out comes option 5 and the rest as they say is history followed by a pile of clothes on their bed, chair, floor and ceiling fans (yes there are those too!)

While I can’t deny the entertainment value here, this dah-lings is epic dressing fail!

4. Internet Fashion Diva

Now don’t look at this in an odd way, you know exactly who you are. Let’s not deny it, we have all once stood in front of our closet and had that surprising urge to want to look up if the combination in question or piece of clothing makes any sense at all. And then like those funky animated bulbs just pop up in cartoons, a thought pops in our pretty head, ‘what would google do’ – or in other cases, just google the damn thing! And there’s no shame in it dah-lings, that’s the beauty of it all! You can quickly sneak your laptop / PC / monster mainframe or whatever that you use to connect the internet (I’m not judging!) and sit in a corner and Google away all your closet woes. What else was the site made for right? Heck, I bet your Soul-tant couldn’t do a better job for you. I’m just saying….

5. Fundamentalist Fashionista

I love this one so much I am literally rubbing my hands in excitement. You my lovely dah-lings are the crème de la crème of the changing community (apparently it’s a thing). Which is also why you’re number 5 on my list, for those of you missing the sarcasm in my tone please go hang with Sheldon Cooper.

Anywho, so this ‘type’ of dresser, is one who loves fashion with a passion. They thrive on owning the latest piece of fashion by the top designers and know exactly what’s in season and (this is my favourite part) they are crazy about getting the combination right. I mean these souls would not dare  step out of their respective houses unless and until they knew what they were wearing met the necessary matching standard. For those of you who live with these people, you have my sympathy. I cannot imagine tolerating someone who needs to wear clothes, shoes, accessories and perhaps underwear that matches. It would be nothing but painful.

I know a very cliched line even by my standards but dah-lings need your feedback on the new template! If you have anything more to say about how awesome this space is just comment away.

The simpleton life has been anything but crazy for the past few weeks. While it makes me super sad to be typing yet another post [which I intend to complete before I hit the sack tonight (did not happen)- the simpleton needs her beauty sleep dah-lings!] I must go ahead and hit the publish button on this one or I will lose faith in this blog, my sarcasm and ability to write. And no I don’t want to know about how you already think that way.

Now you are all aware of my sheer love for social networking and how it has revolutionized socializing as we know it. How else would you know ‘xyz‘ is on vacation in London and having the time of her / his life there. No, I’m not judging I completely understand, no other way this life altering news reach you? One must put technology to its right use. And let’s no forget the amount of new material it adds to the (frequently) occasional gossip sessions. I mean informative discussions, excuse me oh Savvy Ones, I tread along the wrong route of thoughts and words sometimes – its a rare case of sarcasm, incurable I hear.

It’s rather efficient isn’t it though? If you’re all updated on the ‘basics’ of who wore what to the last charity event, all you need to do is follow up on how much money was spent and who was talking to whom because of course, those things only come from careful observation. A skill, I might add, that one only acquires with experience, dedication and truly precious times to kill. I don’t underestimate you, at all.

While I was thinking about what I can only describe as my close-to-obsession with social networking (oh what I would do without it), I did realize, quite humbly so, that my Facebook life is next to non-existent (damn it!). I should have left the darn website ages ago but I must admit, it keep you rather (annoyingly) well informed. Especially, if you’re away from home. I decided I’d take the role of the ‘bitch’ as always and describe all the great things I miss out on by not showing any commitment whatsoever to the Virtual Social Life (referred to as VSF from this point on).

Also I must add my friend, earlier referred to as the ‘friend in higher places‘, oh yes I am well connected, decided to quit Facebook and only lasted for a good 3 days. The man has triggered my curiosity.

Disclaimer before I move forward:

– I use ‘I’ because I’m the only one that’s deprived of all that is great about the Facebook. Also because I can’t take names. Let’s be honest, I find you quite sad and I know you feel the same way about my lack of VSF. Perhaps we could call it even but the simpleton bitch in me just wouldn’t settle. Sorry?

– This VSF business is specific to FB (acronyms dah-lings) because it has the ability to piss me off the most. I hear about this new ‘G+‘, the guys at Google just couldn’t stand anyone growing bigger than them. Greedy Bastards! It almost sounds like the lame song about the stick. NO not that stick pervert. So far, I don’t find G+ even bitch worthy (read: comment worthy). Hence I must settle for an old enemy.

So here goes – deep breath.

If I had a life on Facebook….

1. I’d have 500+ friends. Online.

50% would be people I met through work or friends and I would have no interest whatsoever in seeing them again. Yet I’d still wish them, because you know, Facebook told me to.

20% would be friends from say, 15 years ago, and now we just like to see them growing in pictures and while I have never met them, I will know exactly who their loved ones are.

15% would be people I knew in school / university etc. so well you know, friends by association of some sort….

5% would be family. Few of those who I actually decided to befriend and keep on limited profile because it’s just not polite to ignore their ‘Friend Request’ and deprive them of a growing friends list.

I can safely assume that the remaining 10 – 20 would be actual friends and quite honestly I wouldn’t need Facebook to update me about their lives.

2. Everyone on my FB would know about all the important events in my life. Everything from my birthday to my graduation will be duly promoted, recognized and wished upon. Have to give them credit for persistence, I wonder if the website has considered developing template messages like the ones that used to be in Nokia phone, to save time I suppose. If they did decide to launch it, I believe these would be the words:

Awwww

Super like

Thank you

Congratulations

Awesome

:), 😦 [and that heart symbol I still can’t figure out how to make, of course I want to use it on Rockstar Boyfriend‘s wall, you are so smart sometimes!]

Suggestion for more dah-lings? I know you love using those template comments, it’s almost as if you itch to respond. The VSF does have its own evil temptations.

3. I’d have a cult or if you must put it politely a fan base. Every time I’d put a new picture of an object as lame as a lifeless stuffed dog, I would attract at least 50 people who would think its cute and looks amazing [refer to point: 3]. Yes, I can’t wait for lifeless dog compliments! Sigh.

4. People would have an archive, nay, a database of how I have evolved (physically) in the past 5 years. This would include some pictures of me that wouldn’t quite match the pretty dressed up me but you will still find it worth commenting on.

5. Any data required to stalk, mug or harass me at any given point in time would be readily available. If any ‘friend‘ decided to rob me, I would just make it easier. In fact, I might just add the list of my non-existent assets too.

6. My geographical locations in a day could be easily marked on a map including the restaurants I have been to and with whom. I can totally imagine a friend suddenly thinking ‘Where might she be? Let me check Facebook.’ Really, because people do that in real life.

7. I would update the most trivial details of my life because I know you would give a shit (I mean care). Yes, using my new phone to access Facebook for the very first time is news and you must know it. It’s like when my child said his / herfirst words (teary eyed and what not) – isn’t it?

8. I would tell you exactly what I ate for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks in the middle and what it tasted like. And maybe, just maybe, if I’m in a good mood I’ll also let you know when / how / where it all came out. It’s all in the details dah-lings.

9. I would duly learn about the ‘Unwritten Facebook Etiquette’ – what is it you ask? Blasphemy! Apparently it is so sacred that I can’t even mention it. However, just to make my case I will give you an insight, you know how people sometimes ‘like’ everything, its all UFE. If you want to be on top of having VSF you have to know the UFE. So an equation you must never forget if you ever want an active VSF –

Awesome VSF = Abide by UFE

Not that I’m allowed to but if you have any interest in the text I could share the document with you for a very affordable price. Sorry Mark Zuckerberg I, too, need to pay for college not that you would know.

10. My VSF life would be the dream life or pretty much a dream. Almost felt like I went all Inception on you, the lame social- networking-blogger version of course. Time to wake up, dah-lings?

I have spent much time considering my new post picking up random bits and pieces of inspiration here and there. And while I keep hitting the refresh button on my stats (575 hits, yes I am an absolute show off, and you thought all simpletons were docile, modest souls – seriously, we’re simpletons not cats) I’ve been processing the ‘preconceived notions’ that come attached with the simpleton label.

I won’t deny that being one has its perks, I get to be in other people’s heads. How? It’s quite simple (lack of a better word:)), while they ‘sum’ me up as a simpleton, I prepare a nice little comeback for when they finally give in to that nagging urge and slip a comment about me. And yes I say this from quite some experience (I remember all you calculative, presumptuous souls, you know who, where, what you are). We’re all humans, there’s nothing stopping us from our judgements and I don’t blame you for your instincts. However, we came gifted with our set of instincts too (come on, The Big Guy’s got to be fair) and they usually appear in the form of sarcasm and a series of witty comebacks so it’s all part of the package. Too bad you were busy focusing on getting the right amount of product stuffed into your brains, I mean, face then. So I’d say, non-simpletons need this list more than the likes of me, but then again, I tend to be wrong quite more frequently than one could imagine.

Special Note: These myths are not necessarily a prevailing ‘trait’ of every simpleton so should not be considered in their totality but in complete isolation.

We all wear glasses.

While I squint my eyes to the extreme (almost resembling my cat when she knowingly avoids people) while typing this post without my specs I must clarify all the bespectacled souls in the world (while you all have my squinting sympathy and respect) are not simpletons. They are just merely people with different personalities and (oh my God this might come as a surprise, try and control your reaction before you read this) weak eyesight. Yes, believe it or not that is why people wear glasses and for us it is definitely not a simpleton fashion statement. An JUST for clarification purposes alone, we don’t come of out of the womb wearing glasses either. I know this kills it for some of you but really it’s time you started facing the harsh realities of life.

– We are all hippies / goths / mentally disturbed / want to kill ourselves.

To date, no medical research has been initiated to establish the connection between being a simpleton and mental illness. It has absolutely nothing to do with our mental wiring. Of course, I am not saying we’re all normal (well, most of us) but rest assured it is not a clinical problem. We do not need a psychiatrist. God just programmed us slightly differently and then added super awesome powers like the ones mentioned above. That’s all. Jealous much?

– We live or dream the perfect life.

No such faulty aspirations whatsoever. Refer to Superman for the Not So Savvy for our version of Prince Harming, erm, I meant Charming. Yes, I must admit, we do thrive on your misery on some days when you wear those uncomfortable ‘click clack’ heels that practically kill your toes. And they also serve the dual purpose of a substitute for caffeine in the workplace (JUST in case your morning coffee had not woken you up). Basically, the heels bring anything but good news. Yes, to us this is all very entertaining and no reconsidering point 2 in reference to our mental state after reading point 3 is not an option. This is a very sequential post.

– We’re too simple for bullshit.

This one’s a special for the guys. Listen, just because you think we’re low maintenance (and you’re wrong, refer to point 6 – not without reading this and 5 though – slow down) and a little out there does not mean when you throw self righteous bull shit at us, we will take it. In fact, we will take it and then we will shove it in your face (I would like for this blog to survive hence the lack of a more ‘appropriate’ part of the human anatomy, but do feel free to use your imagination the way you fancy).

– Unruly hair is part of the act.

Okay, let’s get it out in the open, the hair has got nothing to do with simplicity. It has much to do with laziness and even more to do with not wanting to look like an ad for a shampoo brand 24/7. Other than that, really, we’re all pretty normal about our hair. Yes, you may not start counting all the people you know with unruly hair and wrote off as simpletons.

– We are low maintenance.

Yes, we don’t have taste for expensive rocks and face paint and I don’t say this with mockery, try being in a conversation with 4 people of the same gender and having absolutely nothing to contribute but sarcastic remarks. It’s not pretty. But that does not mean we’re low maintenance, we just like to compensate in, let’s just say, other materialistic things. In case, you’re wondering what they are and I know you are. I would like to introduce you to what I call the ‘Maintenance Meter‘ – very interesting concept. Whether we like to admit it or not, as humans we have a certain level of maintenance that we require, these usually exist in the form of random demands that might mean shit loads to you, quite rightly so but to those around who are trying to ‘support’ your demands, well, they’re a pain in the ass. So assuming that an average girl has a meter that goes up to say 5000 (tangible, intangible and everything else in between!) – this would be my ‘Maintenance Meter’  and mind you this is only based on my top 5 demands!

The Meter Effect Takes a Toll on the Wallet Too!

i. Travel the world

Maintenance Meter: +1500

ii. Own a sexy Mini Cooper one day

Maintenance Meter: +1000

iii. Collect all Angry Birds merchandise (subject to change based on mood and love for angry birds)

Maintenance Meter: +200 (not having them all can lead to serious mood swings!)

iv.  Beat Aki in ipod Tennis atleast 5 times with 6 to none (That’s right, bitch! No offense to the Japanese of course, this is strictly between virtual Aki and me)

Maintenance Meter: +500 (this package comes with serious abuse and temper tolerance and calming down abilities)

v. Aviator sun glasses, Fossil watch (2 sweet treats from the only watch company that should exist, I don’t expect my savvy readers to understand, of course to you if it’s not Guess it probably doesn’t tell the time right) AND lusting after a Wii or U for no reason at all

Maintenance Meter: +700

[Yes, they’re actually 7, you’re not that smart, I made a commitment and 7 looks so incomplete, its not even a list then]

I think I heard, ka-ching sound go off in the distance somewhere but I guess it’s just in someone’s sweet little head.

This post was originally meant to have 10 points but really I think I have hit the bitchy limit with this one so I must stop. And based on my latest inspiration from the Oatmeal (not the kind you eat dah-lings), I realize if you take the numbers away, lists look super sexy and long! <—- And  that’s my ‘listing’ fashion advice for Australian Winter 2011 ladies! So inspiring, sigh.

That’s it from me. If I don’t post again, my savvy friends sent a squad over to get rid of me and that too on the risk of chipping their nails and missing their weekly manicures so in all honesty you should give them due credit for their commitment to the cause.

After much deliberation, I finally decided to read ‘Confessions of a Shopaholic’.  Honestly, I had more experience selling the book rather than reading it and while searching for something light and ‘feel good’ to read (yes, chick lit love is universal) – I finally decided to give it a shot. And here’s the breakdown:

Pages 1 – 50 – Okay, interesting. Very different from the movie so should kill all expectations right here right now. Should wait for the story to happen.

Pages 50 – 150 – Where’s the story? (part 1)

Pages 150 – 200 – Where’s the story? (part 2), How bad is your math, seriously?

Pages 200 – 210 – yawn. I usually read on the bus and it serves as a great distraction from the 14 year olds who just discovered the word ‘fuck’ and have the impulse to repeat it every two seconds and the ‘oh my God’ & ‘like’ girls. But this book just doesn’t do it for me. I think I prefer the ‘fuck factory’ over the book which is quite sad because there have been times (albeit just a very few) that my course books have even done it for me. True story.

Here’s the thing – we’re simple, yes, but we do actually enjoy the rare shopping trip. It does make us feel just as good as you. We love looking at clothes over and over with that little little zig-zag of the heart rate too (sight of an awesome piece of clothing = heart rate up / sight of price tag = heart rate down). Quite normal that way.

However, we have an in built system that starts shutting down and blocking out everything to do with shopping after a certain period, also known as the ‘Shopahaulic Breakeven Point’. It starts with a simple yawn and ends in complete annoyance.  After this point, you show us the hottest piece of clothing for free and we’ll disregard it like trash. The consequences can be extremely dangerous.

Bottom line – Don’t mess with the Shopahaulic.

A recent post on a blog about the ‘simpleton’ and the almost accusatory stereotypes attached to it got me thinking, alot. All the so-called fashionistas always have their say but the the simpleton is just considered ‘style-less’, if I may. A category on its own with no room for imagination.

So here’s what this blog is about. It’s not about ‘OMG skinny jeans’ or how ‘brown’ is the color of the season. It is a series of random observations from the perspective of someone who refuses to embrace cosmetics as second skin. Yes, daah-lings, its possible.

%d bloggers like this: