It’s a been a while dah-lings but believe you me I have 4 other ‘drafts‘ in my posts folder and for some strange reason I believe I will go back and finish them. If procrastination was looking for a mascot I’d be its number one candidate. Sometimes I can be a dreamer but aren’t we all?
Where have I been? The question is where I haven’t been – you won’t believe where the simpleton life can take you. I have been sleeping, moving houses, leaving bags behind on buses, attempting self defense classes and taking friends out in the city of the dead. Now I can’t reveal the name of the city to you because I have recently realized that karma can be an absolute in your face kind of bitch but I can tell you that this place can be termed as the ‘party central’ of Australia (I’m hoping you catch the sarco tone without having to stress the gray matter…)
I am not sure if this speaks too well for me but I have been quite the movie buff off late. I don’t think I have missed any movie worth watching in the cinema. Although I did miss out on The Help and Jane Eyre, I hear those are quite good. Can’t make it to all of them can I? After all, I do have that darned thing called ‘life‘ to get back to.
I would definitely give you a list of movies that I think you should watch but aren’t all other blogs telling you the same thing and I don’t want to waste your time. Eyes straining, back hurting – the last thing I want, dah-lings, is for you to want to have to call your masseuse for an emergency back pain. Although I know you always want a good excuse. Savvy souls you were blessed with massages that you don’t need, one thing I will always envy you for.
So with my increasing expertise in the genre of Chick Flicks (yes it is a genre), I thought I’d enlighten you all with what’s this all about. I do know that some of my not-so-savvy male readers have tumbled upon this article with the thought of ‘chicks‘ and I do promise there is something for you here. And don’t let your respective imaginations wander off too far, far-fetched imaginations are not the simpleton thing.
Let’s start with the basics shall we? For all of you who have ever seen / survived a few seconds of a chick flick (and we all know you have, we have all atleast once stopped flicking channels when we caught a glimpse of the sappy storm), we quickly realize that quite a bit of it is, to put it mildly, pure bull shit. It just does not happen in real life. Remember the Cinderella reference earlier on my blog? Well what happened is that we all grew up into adults and since the Disney people couldn’t exactly re-do Cinderella over and over again since the character has class and shit and you can’t kill it with sequels like Spidey, other production houses figured out a way of doing it. And we all know that Prince Charming is a myth, plus, with time I believed more in him being gay than the mice talking and stitching bit. And the most important part, if there was a modern day Cinderella (and there have been crazy ass versions) all PC (Prince Charming!) would have to do is the following:
– Post a status message on Facebook and ask all his friends to copy it or just tweet it (140 characters or less, baby!)
– Post an FML which goes like: Met the girl of my dreams tonight. Apparently she has curfew issues. Didn’t speak to her or see her face but she smelt of mice. Just have her shoe. Wait, how is she my dream girl? FML.
– Call Fox News and tell them Cinderella is missing who would then report ‘Unnamed girl missing from ball, only shoe recovered. America is under attack by terrorists’
And this would all end rather quickly and not the most ‘happy ending’ of ways. Hence, we need innovation and by innovation I mean new packaging. Gotta love the marketing people.
And then the question, why would anyone (even smart savvy souls like yours truly) indulge in the madness of the chick flick. There are a few good reasons although I wouldn’t vouch for them and or have statistics to prove them but really who gives a fuck about statistics?
– FFF (Feel Good Factor – I know some of your minds wandered off elsewhere, the F word deception is such a distraction!), we all know its utter crap and will never occur in true life. Yet, the emotional stories have a feel good effect. It’s like being able to watch a world where all men who approached you were hot and ‘deep down inside‘ had a heart. It’s really something else that’s deep down inside so don’t get me started.
– Influential Effect – For all the boys if you think your girlfriends take you to the movies to have a nice time out, well, think again. They actually take you out to show you all the ‘stunts‘ other non-existent men are pulling so you could be inspired. I’m quite sure watching a dead person sending letter to his wife doesn’t exactly ‘inspire‘ but it works for us.
– Eye Candy – Okay this should have been at the top of the list. Women love the hot guys! I bet you there is a stat out there somewhere that shows Ashton Kutcher chick flicks do better than ‘random-new-cute’ actor chick flicks. So yes, when you’re at the movies and the lead actor is saying all these emotional lines (and is actually laughing his insides out at how funny they actually are) into the camera, we’re all pretty much taking it personally, in a very good way. Screw Demi Moore for taking away the young from the young!
– The Drama – Okay none of the females you know will ever admit it but we love it to death. Drama, that is. While some of us like to slip away from situations that might hint the D word, others pretty much feed on it. Remember that fight with your girlfriend over ‘nothing’, I have some fantastic news for you it was actually nothing. The drama was missing. Now women watching a chick flick could have two affects on the outside world.
1. It might satisfy the thirst for drama and they might not look for it in other places. So usually movies that are highly sentimental yet have a happy ending (kinda make them thankful) are the ones that serve this purpose. Think Jerry Maguire. Yes dah-lings, if you really want to say that it wasn’t a rom-com / chick flick you got the formula wrong. Read on.
2. This goes the complete other way. In this situation the chick flicks make them search for the drama in their lives and when they can’t find it they kind of ‘create’ it. Yes, it is actually possible to create drama. We have all the cool magic drama tricks up our sleeves and we will always take you by surprise.
Now that we have the whole purpose of the chick flick way of movies all sorted let’s focus on the good stuff shall we? What the fuck is happening in an average chick flick and let’s be honest, I don’t remember watching a chick flick that is unpredictable. Although I should single out Bridesmaids. It was a recent favorite and excluded quite a bit of the sappy-ness so kudos to them. It is very difficult to draw a line between ‘chick flick’ and ‘rom-com’. Rockstar Boyfriend and I recently discussed this, while I wouldn’t want to get into the details I can safely say a rom-com is nothing but another name for chick flicks. It just sounds less chick flick like and if you don’t believe me just go over the following section and match it with any average movie. You’ll be surprised.
Here’ the shit that Hollywood is keeping from you and I have firsthand insight on.
She is of course the star of the movie. Now while she will usually have a strong, focused, career minded front she also has (through bad experience) written off relationships but will secretly believe in the concept of true love and ‘happily every after’. She will always be simple, kind and clumsy. And of course, she has some charity business going on on the side. She lives in a big city and may or may not be from a small town. Simpleton living the big dream etc etc. The idea is to make you fall in love with her. Did I mention she’s hot too?
2. The A-hole who is really the A-hole (AWRA)
There will of course be a love a interest whom she will stumble upon. She may or may not know him when the movie starts and he will definitely not look like the bad guy. This is guy is the shit. He’s handsome, charming, wears fancy suits, has everything going for him hence ‘the good guy’ and potentially the future daddy of the protagonist’s pretty children. Cause really all women ever want in life is a good looking man and a few kids to call him daddy.
3. The A-hole who is not really the A-hole (AWNRA)
This guy always has a drastic entry. Now, with this one, he is not even close to being slick. He’s more casual in the ‘truth is out there kind of way’. No no I don’t mean Agent Fox Mulder but I mean they will be in-your-face obnoxious kind of guys who will come and tell our protagonists the truth about life. Yes, of course, since that is absolutely normal. So when we start off they’re usually setup as the ‘Joker’ of the movie. Okay, that might be a bit extreme but you get the picture. A-hole.
4. The Dream
Now how would we ever complete the movie without the girl’s dream. And you can cross check me on this one – they ‘always’ have one. Some dialogues we never get tired of hearing (read: we go into the world’s shortest coma when we hear them):
– ‘I want to have a house in a small town with kids and a guy who really loves me, is that too much to ask for?’
– ‘I want to write for the city’s best publications.’ (And they always do, eventually.)
– ‘I want to change the world.’
– ‘I want to marry my best friend but I will waste 2 hours of your precious life to figure it out.’ (That’s really not a dream but I see potential there, any directors reading this?)
That’s the dream.
5. The Consultant
Now every girl must have a voice of madness, chaos and most of all ‘reason’. Not the little voices in our sweet little heads, these are human voices. They usually take the human form of mother, sister, best friend, colleague turned best friend etc. They’re usually funny and may even be potential future partners of the ‘a-hole who is not an a-hole’s’ best friend. Basically, they’re the fun sidekick. But they serve a higher purpose, do not be fooled by their minor role without them chick flicks would not exist. They, and you must hold your breath on this one, are the ones who always (make that 95%) scream ‘Go get him!’ Trust me, without this part chick flicks would just be flicks.
6. The Plot
Now that we have pretty much all aspects covered and all characters clear I think I still need to shed some light on the plot – this is of course the highlight isn’t it? How does this ‘particular’ chick flick manage to fulfill the age old agenda of making thousands of women cry, skip a heartbeat, lose their breath and want an ‘ever after’. Gotta love those cliches, they never go out of fashion (consider that your simpleton quick tip of the day). Although you’d think I’d write pages and pages on the various kind of plots, I really won’t need to. Let me demonstrate how all of the above described ‘elements’ bring together the best chick flick of the season or until the next one comes out. Do they even call them ‘hits’ I can’t be sure.
The protagonist is introduced while she’s at work or talking to a close friend or has a had a serious hangover. Followed by some ‘deep’ conversation where her ideals about love and whatnot will be revealed. This conversation will usually be held with the Consultant. Protagonist has an established or will establish a love interest and this guy (no points for guessing), will be the ‘A-hole who is really the a-hole’ (AWNRA – it’s just a bitch to type his pseudo name). So obviously now the movie will continue with the Protagonist approaching AWRA however possible. While the movie is really not about them but about The Dream, it is actually about them.
And where is the twist you ask me? Must learn to calm those eager spirits down Savvy Ones! The twist is when AWNRA makes an appearance. Fate obviously brought them together and they don’t exactly love each other at first sight but somehow always end up meeting and advising each other about life (as I mentioned, NORMAL). Moving on, ‘The Moment’ this is when something happens – the moment has a dual purpose. At one end it makes our Protagonist and AWNRA share a moment, now this could be a drunken night, a look, touch or a conversation that changes everything and at the same time she also realizes that AWRA is actually an A-hole. Seriously.
Of course, us humans never admit these things to ourselves because we just don’t have those one on ones that often but we always have The Consultant to talk sense into us and save the day. Oh and if we want to throw in a little more drama by this time AWNRA is furious (for not knowing who she is or what she wants etc) with the Protagonist and has gone far far away (read: left two blocks from home to buy milk but its all in drama dah-lings). And of course, once they kiss to the season’s hit new love song, we also find out the AWNRA will do something drastic to help the Protagonist with the Dream.
And then they live happily (n)ever after.