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Hello dah-lings!

I know I’ve been off the radar for a while now but rest assured, a post is underway and it is going to be worth the wait!:)

But while you wait, I’d like to introduce you to a wonderful new blog! You remember Celebrity Sister? Mother of the Fabulous Two and companion in the Shopaholic Chronicles…well of course you do!

She has started her very own blog and of course, the parents passed on the better writing genes to her with a dash of humanity (something i missed out on, but what can I say, I use it well). The celebrity in her couldn’t avoid the limelight in the blogosphere either, she’s been nominated for the ‘People’s Choice Award’ in Australian Best Blogs 2012 Competition. And yes dah-lings, the award is exactly as fancy as it sounds!

Here’s a little blurb about her fabulous blog Mumchic!

This is a story about a mum who believes everything in life should be delicious , fabulous and chic. With two growing and very curious sons who mean the world, some very special family and friends to share the madness , a full time job and an insanely busy life , she’s plenty ordinary in her extra-ordinaryness. For several years now, she has been thwarting the next world war ( which might actually trigger while these words of wisdom are being penned ) every other day. She is almost a magician, she pulls delicious food out of thin air and in no time… mostly ! More often than not she has to answer  questions that wikipedia or Siri cannot.

She likes to have the biggest tub of popcorn while a drama unfolds on silver screen, especially when the world wars are at a recess. She laughs and cries. She likes to banter about life, universe and everything else. She likes to humm songs. She is both adorable and goofy. She keeps building the biggest mental database of all things chic, often wandering in and out of fashion boutiques and home decor shops. Her travel bucket list increases every day. Her pinterest even more. 

She likes to express, record the highs and lows, and observe the imperfect yet beautiful world around her. She likes to share. This journey within.

Vote for Mumchic here!

 

I know I’ve been away for quite some time dah-lings but you know how the simpleton life can be – crazy and unpredictable. I make this short (and somewhat sweet) post to Google.

I came in to work today after a chaotic week and I saw the image below to celebrate ‘International Women’s Day’ and suddenly everything feels awesome!

Here’s celebrating the only sex that kicks ass!

It’s a been a while dah-lings but believe you me I have 4 other ‘drafts‘ in my posts folder and for some strange reason I believe I will go back and finish them. If procrastination was looking for a mascot I’d be its number one candidate. Sometimes I can be a dreamer but aren’t we all?

Where have I been? The question is where I haven’t been – you won’t believe where the simpleton life can take you. I have been sleeping, moving houses, leaving bags behind on buses, attempting self defense classes and taking friends out in the city of the dead. Now I can’t reveal the name of the city to you because I have recently realized that karma can be an absolute in your face kind of bitch but I can tell you that this place can be termed as the ‘party central’ of Australia (I’m hoping you catch the sarco tone without having to stress the gray matter…)

I am not sure if this speaks too well for me but I have been quite the movie buff off late. I don’t think I have missed any movie worth watching in the cinema. Although I did miss out on The Help and Jane Eyre, I hear those are quite good. Can’t make it to all of them can I? After all, I do have that darned thing called ‘life‘ to get back to.

I would definitely give you a list of movies that I think you should watch but aren’t all other blogs telling you the same thing and I don’t want to waste your time. Eyes straining, back hurting – the last thing I want, dah-lings, is for you to want to have to call your masseuse for an emergency back pain. Although I know you always want a good excuse. Savvy souls you were blessed with massages that you don’t need, one thing I will always envy you for.

So with my increasing expertise in the genre of Chick Flicks (yes it is a genre), I thought I’d enlighten you all with what’s this all about. I do know that some of my not-so-savvy male readers have tumbled upon this article with the thought of ‘chicks‘ and I do promise there is something for you here. And don’t let your respective imaginations wander off too far, far-fetched imaginations are not the simpleton thing.

Let’s start with the basics shall we? For all of you who have ever seen / survived a few seconds of a chick flick (and we all know you have, we have all atleast once stopped flicking channels when we caught a glimpse of the sappy storm), we quickly realize that quite a bit of it is, to put it mildly, pure bull shit. It just does not happen in real life. Remember the Cinderella reference earlier on my blog? Well what happened is that we all grew up into adults and since the Disney people couldn’t exactly re-do Cinderella over and over again since the character has class and shit and you can’t kill it with sequels like Spidey, other production houses figured out a way of doing it. And we all know that Prince Charming is a myth, plus, with time I believed more in him being gay than the mice talking and stitching bit.  And the most important part, if there was a modern day Cinderella (and there have been crazy ass versions) all PC (Prince Charming!) would have to do is the following:

– Post a status message on Facebook and ask all his friends to copy it or just tweet it (140 characters or less, baby!)

– Post an FML which goes like: Met the girl of my dreams tonight. Apparently she has curfew issues. Didn’t speak to her or see her face but she smelt of mice. Just have her shoe. Wait, how is she my dream girl? FML.

– Call Fox News and tell them Cinderella is missing who would then report ‘Unnamed girl missing from ball, only shoe recovered. America is under attack by terrorists’

And this would all end rather quickly and not the most ‘happy ending’ of ways. Hence, we need innovation and by innovation I mean new packaging. Gotta love the marketing people.

And then the question, why would anyone (even smart savvy souls like yours truly) indulge in the madness of the chick flick. There are a few good reasons although I wouldn’t vouch for them and or have statistics to prove them but really who gives a fuck about statistics?

FFF (Feel Good Factor – I know some of your minds wandered off elsewhere, the F word deception is such a distraction!), we all know its utter crap and will never occur in true life. Yet, the emotional stories have a feel good effect. It’s like being able to watch a world where all men who approached you were hot and ‘deep down inside‘ had a heart. It’s really something else that’s deep down inside so don’t get me started.

Influential Effect – For all the boys if you think your girlfriends take you to the movies to have a nice time out, well, think again. They actually take you out to show you all the ‘stunts‘ other non-existent men are pulling so you could be inspired. I’m quite sure watching a dead person sending letter to his wife doesn’t exactly ‘inspire‘ but it works for us.

Eye Candy – Okay this should have been at the top of the list. Women love the hot guys! I bet you there is a stat out there somewhere that shows Ashton Kutcher chick flicks do better than ‘random-new-cute’ actor chick flicks. So yes, when you’re at the movies and the lead actor is saying all these emotional lines (and is actually laughing his insides out at how funny they actually are) into the camera, we’re all pretty much taking it personally, in a very good way. Screw Demi Moore for taking away the young from the young!

The Drama – Okay none of the females you know will ever admit it but we love it to death. Drama, that is. While some of us like to slip away from situations that might hint the D word, others pretty much feed on it. Remember that fight with your girlfriend over ‘nothing’, I have some fantastic news for you it was actually nothing. The drama was missing. Now women watching a chick flick could have two affects on the outside world.

1. It might satisfy the thirst for drama and they might not look for it in other places. So usually movies that are highly sentimental yet have a happy ending (kinda make them thankful) are the ones that serve this purpose. Think Jerry Maguire. Yes dah-lings, if you really want to say that it wasn’t a rom-com / chick flick you got the formula wrong. Read on.

2. This goes the complete other way. In this situation the chick flicks make them search for the drama in  their lives and when they can’t find it they kind of ‘create’ it. Yes, it is actually possible to create drama. We have all the cool magic drama tricks up our sleeves and we will always take you by surprise.

Now that we have the whole purpose of the chick flick way of movies all sorted let’s focus on the good stuff shall we? What the fuck is happening in an average chick flick and let’s be honest, I don’t remember watching a chick flick that is unpredictable. Although I should single out Bridesmaids. It was a recent favorite and excluded quite a bit of the sappy-ness so kudos to them. It is very difficult to draw a line between ‘chick flick’ and ‘rom-com’. Rockstar Boyfriend and I recently discussed this, while I wouldn’t want to get into the details I can safely say a rom-com is nothing but another name for chick flicks. It just sounds less chick flick like and if you don’t believe me just go over the following section and match it with any average movie. You’ll be surprised.

Here’ the shit that Hollywood is keeping from you and I have firsthand insight on.

1. Protagonist

She is of course the star of the movie. Now while she will usually have a strong, focused, career minded front she also has (through bad experience) written off relationships but will secretly believe in the concept of true love and ‘happily every after’. She will always be simple, kind and clumsy. And of course, she has some charity business going on on the side.  She lives in a big city and may or may not be from a small town. Simpleton living the big dream etc etc. The idea is to make you fall in love with her. Did I mention she’s hot too?

2. The A-hole who is really the A-hole (AWRA)

There will of course be a love a interest whom she will stumble upon. She may or may not know him when the movie starts and he will definitely not look like the bad guy. This is guy is the shit. He’s handsome, charming, wears fancy suits, has everything going for him hence ‘the good guy’ and potentially the future daddy of the protagonist’s pretty children. Cause really all women ever want in life is a good looking man and a few kids to call him daddy.

3. The A-hole who is not really the A-hole (AWNRA)

This guy always has a drastic entry. Now, with this one, he is not even close to being slick. He’s more casual in the ‘truth is out there kind of way’. No no I don’t mean Agent Fox Mulder but I mean they will be in-your-face obnoxious kind of guys who will come and tell our protagonists the truth about life. Yes, of course, since that is absolutely normal. So when we start off they’re usually setup as the ‘Joker’ of the movie. Okay, that might be a bit extreme but you get the picture. A-hole.

4. The Dream

Now how would we ever complete the movie without the girl’s dream. And you can cross check me on this one – they ‘always’ have one. Some dialogues we never get tired of hearing (read: we go into the world’s shortest coma when we hear them):

– ‘I want to have a house in a small town with kids and a guy who really loves me, is that too much to ask for?’

– ‘I want to write for the city’s best publications.’ (And they always do, eventually.)

– ‘I want to change the world.’

– ‘I want to marry my best friend but I will waste 2 hours of your precious life to figure it out.’ (That’s really not a dream but I see potential there, any directors reading this?)

That’s the dream.

5. The Consultant

Now every girl must have a voice of madness, chaos and most of all ‘reason’. Not the little voices in our sweet little heads, these are human voices. They usually take the human form of mother, sister, best friend, colleague turned best friend etc. They’re usually funny and may even be potential future partners of the ‘a-hole who is not an a-hole’s’ best friend. Basically, they’re the fun sidekick. But they serve a higher purpose, do not be fooled by their minor role without them chick flicks would not exist. They, and you must hold your breath on this one, are the ones who always (make that 95%) scream ‘Go get him!’ Trust me, without this part chick flicks would just be flicks.

6. The Plot

Now that we have pretty much all aspects covered and all characters clear I think I still need to shed some light on the plot – this is of course the highlight isn’t it? How does this ‘particular’ chick flick manage to fulfill the age old agenda of making thousands of women cry, skip a heartbeat, lose their breath  and want an ‘ever after’. Gotta love those cliches, they never go out of fashion (consider that your simpleton quick tip of the day).  Although you’d think I’d write pages and pages on the various kind of plots, I really won’t need to. Let me demonstrate how all of the above described ‘elements’ bring together the best chick flick of the season or until the next one comes out. Do they even call them ‘hits’ I can’t be sure.

The protagonist is introduced while she’s at work or talking to a close friend or has a had a serious hangover. Followed by some ‘deep’ conversation where her ideals about love and whatnot will be revealed. This conversation will usually be held with the Consultant. Protagonist has an established or will establish a love interest and this guy (no points for guessing), will be the ‘A-hole who is really the a-hole’ (AWNRA – it’s just a bitch to type his pseudo name). So obviously now the movie will continue with the Protagonist approaching AWRA however possible. While the movie is really not about them but about The Dream, it is actually about them.

And where is the twist you ask me? Must learn to calm those eager spirits down Savvy Ones! The twist is when AWNRA makes an appearance. Fate obviously brought them together and they don’t exactly love each other at first sight but somehow always end up meeting and advising each other about life (as I mentioned, NORMAL). Moving on, ‘The Moment’ this is when something happens – the moment has a dual purpose. At one end it makes our Protagonist and AWNRA share a moment, now this could be a drunken night, a look, touch or a conversation that changes everything and at the same time she also realizes that AWRA is actually an A-hole. Seriously.

Of course, us humans never admit these things to ourselves because we just don’t have those one on ones that often but we always have The Consultant to talk sense into us and save the day. Oh and if we want to throw in a little more drama by this time AWNRA is furious (for not knowing who she is or what she wants etc) with the Protagonist and has gone far far away (read: left two blocks from home to buy milk but its all in drama dah-lings). And of course, once they kiss to the season’s hit new love song, we also find out the AWNRA will do something drastic to help the Protagonist with the Dream.

And then they live happily (n)ever after.

The End.

How is that I find myself scribbling away in a library every single time, I have reason to believe it might have something to do with my deteriorating attention span, but can’t be sure. I suppose I could use one of those direct / directly inverse relationships to prove my point but I’m just too darn lazy.

For those of you who are still confused about what the title means, I humbly advise you not to bother reading the rest. I couldn’t make the word any more obvious dah-ling. Although I must admit my first thought was ‘(b)advertising‘ (trademarked, registered, etc etc) but it lacks glamor and you know how I am all about glamour and the glitz and all that fancy craziness that comes with it. I can’t deny it, I have fantasized a Carrie Bradshaw like version of myself where I’m typing away and my own recording plays in the background with my thoughts, sigh to be Carrie on Sex and the City. For all you savvy ones, I am sure you were too busy looking at the clothes, make-up, jewelry, naked Samantha etc. on the show, but you see there was a story there. Anyway, I’d rather not have you exercise your brain cells so much, I wouldn’t want your head hurting from paragraph reading (yeah baby, rhymes!).

For the record, I have an annoying couple hanging around the library pretending to study with books open while the girl (in her attempt to not laugh loud) is laughing one of those gasping laughs (oh honey, not a turn on!). Now I am used to this and usually wouldn’t have a problem with what can be best described as ‘Library Love‘ but you can’t blame me for being annoyed with it either. Consider this, you go to your favourite library, the one with all the windows and couches. Find your newly found comfy couch and I mean next level comfy. Prop your legs up, open your laptop, have reached that tipping point of studying / distraction and are in this phase of absolute inspiration for a blog post when you hear the ‘laugh‘. And since you should not be deprived of this great moment (and I need a reason to rant about it) – I should describe the little routine they have going:

Setting: Books open, sitting across from each other, average looking souls (all in the details, dah-lings!) – my personal comments are in bold.

3:00pm – Girl looking down at her open book, boy looking down at his open book. This is when they seemed like the average students…

3:03pm – Girl looks up and smiles. And I thought I had attention span issues.

3:05pm – Girls laughs the annoying gasping laugh and then starts playing with what seems like residue from an eraser – if you must know (and I know you do), she’s putting it on his book. What attention seeking tactics!

3:07 pm – One of them looks around to check if they are disturbing anyone. HELL YEAH!

3:10pm – Both of them look down, attempting to study yet again.

3:13pm – Girl is annoying laughing again – coyly moving her hand towards the boy for his hand. So original, oldest rule in the Flirting in Library 101 book!

3:15pm – The boy spoke, he actually uttered something and there they go laughing again. Silently praying for the gasping laugh not to haunt me, oh please dear God, have some mercy!

3:20pm – Pretending to study again. This would be attempt number 4! I imagine my eyes are begging them to get a room by this time.

3:23pm – Oh wait there it is! I now see it, the universal truth. They’re writing on the book and talking. Mature, very mature.

3:25pm Gave up on making them stop by using my super (eye) powers and staring at them (screw you Superman!)

If you must know, my true opinion is one of hypocrisy on the concept of Library Love. Enough said.

Anyway, back to important business, its not like I’m anti-advertising, my degree and work experience would be worthless if I was plus Rockstar Boyfriend’s entire career would have been questionable. Yes dah-lings, the simpletons just don’t land those doctors and landlords (pun intended). Our sense of humour just wouldn’t digest those. But I am appalled by the kind of obnoxious things I see in the form ‘communicating the benefits of something’. Not exactly like that now, is it? And specially those that go out to the women (almost 70% do, they know they want to fool all shopaholics – wise asses!) setting crazy stereotypes. I thought I’d finally do it, bash them left right and center and wonder if it would do any good to society. Probably not, but who gives a fuck?

1. PMS Baby – The Sanity Napkin!

This one is a no-brainer, I have been watching ads for sanitary napkins (it’s the 2011 way of saying brutally blunt words like ‘tampons’ and ‘pads’) since I was in diapers. And I come from a conservative part of the world so the ‘technique’ with which these ads are tackled is quite different, however, amazingly enough their pattern is the same. Here’s what the ad will show you…

Scene 1: Female looking clearly distressed (about not being able to play, go out, do basic work etc.)

Scene 2: Step in mum / friend / relative / whosoever that might matter and offers a new sanitary napkin while explaining the benefits to you. Yeah that’s right, we all have long conversation about how good the absorbing elements of sanitary napkins are.

Scene 3: Female looks ecstatic – all of life’s problems have been solved and you can live again? Err yes..

Scene 4: Ad ends on happy note. Yay for sanity napkins!

Now for those of you blind enough not to see it, this is clearly an inspiration from Cinderella, where PMS-ing for little Cindy was an ordeal, enter fairy God mother to fix it. Great concept, almost like a workable formula no? Wrong.

For a truly visual depiction of this, I advise all women to watch No Strings Attached, they couldn’t have done a better job to show the crazy side of a PMS-ing household. Plus you get Ashton‘s cute looks the entire time dah-lings!

2. The Health Queen

This is a specific inspiration from a new Special K ad I saw recently. The ad features a young girl going to look for the perfect breakfast which is of course healthy, wearing sweats and looking like she’s going for the (brekkie) kill. Now don’t get me wrong, I am a Special K loyalist, but I don’t remember going out in my sweats ever looking for the perfect healthy breakfast. Believe it or not dah-lings, if I read pancakes somewhere, all the special A B C’s of the world go out of the window. Plus, if I’m not wrong we all think in terms of minutes of walking = must eat extra, just burned a few good calories there.

3. The Soul Sisters

This one’s my favourite, ALWAYS (without fail) features a group of friends, sitting and having a fun conversation and you’ll never know what this fun conversation is about because clearly you’re not invited. These girls will be all dressed up, looking like the happiest souls on earth and look like they’re on perpetual vacation. Suddenly, x product which is most likely coffee, tea, health-related-pill etc. come up and wave the commercial magic wand and problem solved. Reality check, if I may:

– When hanging out with close friends am definitely using words like bitch more than I’m smiling.

– I am most likely bitching about something and definitely not looking like someone slipped me a life-is-perfect-pill before the meeting.

– And we REALLLY do not talk about products lest waving a magic wand and making all aches and pains of life going away. Would kind of defeat the purpose of a good old gossip / whining session?

4. The Super Mom

After observing Celebrity Sister for months with her Fabulous Two (yes, Savvy Moms just might be the new fashion statement of 2011) I have realized that there is an element of truth in those ads that go out with mums multi-tasking and I can’t argue with that. However, what’s with these moms looking super fine every time? Do you really expect me to buy that Miss ‘x’ walked out of bed looking like she could do one of those ‘I’m awake and alive’ type morning shows? Think about it, they have all they need:

– Perky attitude

– Perfectly done hair

– Clean, ironed clothing

– Little bit of make-up but not too much (might give away – seriously)

– Always a voice (of God?), to solve all their problems

Funny these voices never show up in our household to rewind events and fix our problems. Ah, the perils of having a real life.

5. The Always Single Hottie

Another global phenomenon, the just around the corner hottie. This one is a classic and I bet you they’ve been reinventing the concept since advertising on TV began! The products may have evolved over time and so has the story execution but the storyline remains the same. Girl has a problem (bad skin, ugly hair, body odor), basically the kind of problems that make her feel unattractive. Then comes special cream, deo, spray, magic water etc and the girl is drastically transformed. Has been exactly 5 seconds since this female decided to use the product and enter Wonder Boy. And no she did not have to go to a party or fancy dinner to score this one – apparently he was just walking around the corner and fell in lurve right away. Point one, Cinderella reference applies here too! Only because now she can freely stretch her hands up, isn’t that just fantastic? That’s not it, he’s single, rich looking, good looking and potentially your future husband and now that’s what I call selling dreams through a deodorants and shampoo bottles. Move over Disneyland!

Okay, no such declaration has been made by any authority. But, being the awfully modest soul that I am, I would accept the title of the ‘All Ruling Coffee Authority‘ quite happily. Yes, the title is fictitious too but isn’t it an idea worth thinking about?

The past month has been rather exciting for the simpleton. No dah-lings, the coffee kitty parties were not keeping me busy I have a somewhat ‘real’ life that was making itself happen. How, you ask? Let’s just say my life has been like an ‘Angry Birds’ game that aims at something, lands someplace else and and doesn’t really get me to level 2 but I can’t deny they haven’t always hit the wrong targets.

Although I have another post pending (an awesome one I must add) I had to type this one out first. My food, sleep and caffeine deprived mind is currently going through mad levels of overdrive. While I’d like to blame this on the month of fasting (did I say too much?) I also think the fact that I’m back to school has much to do with it. But one must give credit where its due, my writing inspiration somehow comes from the dread of  deadlines which have unusually made themselves happen much earlier in the semester (those no good egg throwing White Angry Bird types that get you nowhere). If you are in fact a tea / coke person and end up resenting this post and blog to its fullest please blame my grad school or the Angry Birds or the meal you had for lunch or the bad cup of coffee you just sipped OR the person sitting next to you (I’m really counting on this person for my survival – Po Kung Fu face ON!).

Awesome Lego Credit: Yiu Keung. Shitty Photoshop Credit: Me.

So among other things my caffeine deprivation has also lead me to believe that the ‘obvious’ needs to happen and needs to happen fast. You see we simpletons cannot commit to is large scale fund raisers with an A-list talking about politics and world peace over a 4 course meal. Our tolerance levels for such events are very much in the negative. We only cook up small initiatives that might have major impact – I’m afraid I’m not sane enough anymore to join a global / peace loving organization because post grad is literally  fucking me over and I’m quite lazy. However, I have done my share of being in a cult-like phase while volunteering for an organization of a similar nature. I suppose it would be apt to say that you reach a point in life where you think world change can come from caffeine – and why the hell not? We’re running short of water, I say go for the caffeine.

I knew you’d be skeptical and ready to switch windows! You only landed here because of the sweet virtual smell of coffee didn’t you and now you’re not interested anymore? Craving a good old cup of java (oh whoever uses that term to refer to coffee anymore?) that throws out heavenly scents aren’t you? Before you reach out for your wallets / handbags / clothes or whatever you might need to get out of the house – just bear with me for a few more paragraphs while I make my case will you? If I can convince you to go buy coffee without even trying I bet I can convince you about anything.

I must share this with all the savvy, not-so-savvy, wouldn’t-give-a-shit-about-being-savvy, don’t-care-what-savvy means people out there. I think I have a case. Feedback of all sorts will be much appreciated but remember, I get to hit the ‘approve’ button. So here goes:

1. Kids on Caffeine.

All you parental beings out there – aren’t you always complaining that kids aren’t active or smart enough anymore? Imagine the kid on caffeine – mind in overdrive, body in overdrive, ahead of schedule at all times! Yes, they will no longer want to play Wii they’ll want to do it all live. Well, in retrospect that might not go down too well but I do expect you to train them well. And I promise they will kickass at school. And wouldn’t we all love our kids zombie-d out once in a while?  (No I have none yet, Celebrity Sister’s Fabulous Two are quite a handful)

2. Limitless – Drug.

Okay, I should tell you this now cause the guys in Hollywood would never spill the coffee beans. That dude from The HangoverBradley Cooper was it? He was on a caffeine pill, in fact I’m pretty sure some hot shot coffee company sponsored the movie. Of course they wouldn’t want you to know this, why would they just reveal the world’s best kept secret? Trust the simpleton to keep you informed. While we’re at it, does anyone else see the irony in Bradley Cooper first starring in The Hangover and then Limitless – makes you wonder if the man has substance issues…

Courtesy: Law Coffee

3. Energy Drinks are so 2005.

With the myriad  of energy drinks out there with albeit very smart advertising that really don’t ever give you wings you must seriously reconsider the concept of energy drinks. They’re essentially formulas that didn’t go so well in the lab and ended up looking like piss. It’s all part of the great big advertising game, If the wings were really happening I’d currently be on Pluto (yes, back in the days when it existed).

4. Coffee is food for thought.

I can understand why generations of people have been ‘convinced’ into believing that ‘thought’ is food for the soul. Now these philosophers were not born in the age of ‘hole-in-wall’ coffee shops and barristas who can brew your woes away – ooh I should propose this line to my barrista! So in order to enable ‘thinking’ you need a steaming cup of coffee. Let’s look at this logically – when you get to work in the morning its not the breakfast that wakes you up or makes you think its your cup of coffee (sorry no association with tea whatsoever). When you’re bogged down with assignments from work or school – you rely on that sweet cup of caffeine to get you through. When you need to pull a mildly productive all-nighter, coffee is your best friend. So essentially, if we kind of kick thought out of the equation:

Coffee = food for the soul

Thought = Highly dependent on caffeine levels in your system

5. Coffee in Hand = Contemporary Chic.

Ooooh did my fashion conscious readers just turn their trendy radars on? Yes dah-lings, back in the day holding a cigarette in one hand a glass of white wine in the other was considered savvy but now a cup of coffee will do just fine for you. Now I know the savvy souls out there don’t exactly prefer the ‘no-frills’ look like the simpletons who would prefer their most comfy pair of slippers over those God forsaken heels. Remember the ‘click‘ that was meant for morning earthquakes? Well, now all you need to do is: order a decent sized cup of coffee, know how to pronounce it, know exactly how you’d like your coffee (don’t look so confused it’s just a question of milk and sugar) and hold it as confidently as possible and voila – you were born smart. With that, you just successfully pulled ‘Contemporary Chic in 2011’.

I must stop before I hit a 2000 word post again and some of my regular followers might complain. Oh yes, I receive your fan mail and don’t tell me I didn’t listen. I hope I have you convinced about this noble cause. If you want to survive in 2020, I say ditch the water – if you OD in the process and do end up in a sad place be sure to find yourself a computer with a browser and an internet connection. I will be updating the blog to entertain you for the rest of your time.

While we’re on the topic of coffee I must share this with you before I sign off. I recently visited Melbourne and based on some convincing reviews decided to visit a coffee shop called ‘Brother Baba Budan’ – quite lost about the meaning of the name. After trying that brown liquid (refuse to call it coffee) I posted a sweet review on a website. The cult of that cafe didn’t take it so well. No sense of real coffeee or criticism but for those of you who like a little bit of cafe experience I must admit it is a nicely done place. The picture is posted below and so is my review. I claim full responsibility for the content cause quite frankly dah-lings, I couldn’t give a fuck.

Photo Credit: Me. Decor Credit: Brother Baba Budan. Coffee? No comment.

Review:

I was visiting Melbourne last week and had been duly informed by reliable sources that Melbourne is the city of great coffee. I am studying in Canberra and while I would usually undermine everything the city has to offer, the one pure bliss of my life in this city is coffee from ‘Bean in the City’ (yes, there have been reports of caffeine instead of blood in my veins). So here I am craving a good cup of coffee and quite frankly not enjoying the ‘Starbucks Experience’ as much. My sister googled ‘best coffee on bourke street’ and found ‘Brother Baba Budan’. And I’m still quite curious about the name, anyone know what it means?

On day 1, I walked with my 8 year old nephew using dodgy Google maps (or perhaps we could blame that on my tired mind) looking for this joint. Finally, after 30 minutes going in all directions (ironically, in one big square) we found the place only to find out that it closes at 5pm. Absolutely disappointed and in complete awe of the decor I couldn’t wait to return and try a cup.

On the last day of our trip, I decided to try one more time. I just didn’t want to leave without tasting this so-called ‘divine’ cup of coffee. I had been up since 6am (albeit on vacation) and about an hour before I had to leave for the airport, I decided to ditch the packing and head towards BBB. There was something more than enthusiasm in my stride, perhaps a dash of hope?

I walked in to find the place packed. It felt like all the coffee lovers in the city had just decided to come there, some of them sketching, others chatting away over coffees and muffins and other had managed to comfortably stuff themselves in little corners. I thought, there had to be something about this place that would make people want to treat it like a second home. I ordered my cup and patiently waited by the side. Popped out my camera for a few quick pictures (because it does deserve credit for its creatively wild interior). I silently observed people, conversation and the barista (yes I was literally hanging by every drop of coffee he made, I wanted MY cup). So after a good 10 minutes wait (ordered mochas by the way) – I decided to first sip the coffee with my sister rather than being greedy. So I headed back to my hotel and the anticipation – well, in retrospect, I can tell you it was much higher than what the coffee actually offered.

I rushed inside the hotel and decided to take the first sip while in the lift, yes I cheated a little bit. However, it is quite sad for me to say, the betrayal wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t exactly the best cup of coffee I’d tasted and only made me want to go back to the coffee joint in Canberra (just the joint, if I may add).

So I say, the place is nice and comfy, great for people looking to meet other like-minded, caffeine loving, escape from 9-5 jobs, creative souls etc. but the coffee is at best, mediocre. Apologies to the die-hard BBB fans but I have definitely tasted better coffee.

Now, Savvy Siders (oh yes, I do have a new term for you), before you wander off to the fantasies of of Vegas in all its glitz and glamour I would suggest you hold your horses or Hubby dah-lings’ new Porsche, if I may? My simpleton readers, modest souls that they are, only associate the simple entertainment of gambling and drunken nights (Hangover taught us well) with the city hence it is essential that I bring them up to speed with the latest trends.

There is indeed more to Vegas or the foreign lands these days and my trendy readers would know, I recently learned that its one of the venues for the trend I shall disclose soon. Ohh  I foresee some excitement wait till we get to it and I stop my usual digression. To those who belong to the regular breed of the likes of me this will come as a shock so I suggest you hold on to your hearts, cups of coffee, mind and mp3 devices very very close.

The story for this post goes (as they always do with me),  I was discussing the logo for this blog with Celebrity Sister and let’s just say the parents were successful in transferring the creative gene to her (god only knows how that went down!) and not so much with me. I suppose I got the B and S gene in abundance (read: Bitchy and Sarcastic). As all of you of the female / metro / bi / hetro breed would know, such random yet landmark-ish discussions also present a rare opportunity to share a little bit of gossip. What can I say, all we need is a good excuse. Almost like a treat at the end of a ‘productive’ brainstorming session. Now before you assume I’m discriminating against the hetro boys here, I’m not there’s just too much testosterone there to carry out a decent gossip session, they just aren’t programmed well enough.

So back to gossip – don’t get me wrong, I am well aware how my savvy readers have a different definition on how gossip is conducted – yes, we need a round table at the new 5 star restaurant, a new designer bag in one hand a ‘princess’ cut diamond ring in the other (I know a thing or two from those dreadful shopping trips to the jewelry store) and a newly acquired accent to go with it. Oh honey, we don’t do British or American anymore – we can do French, Italian and even that Spanish accent that Penelope Cruz speaks in is oh-so-sexy. This particularly applies to my savvy readers from Asia – oh we all want everything ‘foreign’ don’t we and accents are just an indirect way of saying – ‘I have traveled to America 10 times, albeit for trips that hardly lasted a month, I am American already’. So gossip has 03 levels – no, actually make that 04.

Credits: http://www.everydaypeoplecartoons.com

Level 1 – Innocent Gossip

This is the lowest level – this is like finding out about something and discussing it without even trying. This is purely innocent. If gossip was a crime and they had to allow some element of it to exist for the sanity of humans – this is the one that the judicial system would allow, it is THAT innocent. (Just had an internal laugh at the thought of ‘Gossip Police’). The general assumption with this one is the we only ever engage in innocent gossip but unfortunately that isn’t really the case is it?

Level 2 – Intentional Gossip

This is a notch up from Innocent Gossip but involves all the intentions of discussing the newly acquired information further. How x event happened, who was involved, what are the expected consequences of the situation (we’re all experts you see). This is still usually conducted with a close group of friends and family. Fuck it – they’re all presumably close friends and family. Can’t go as far as to make that claim ‘just’ yet, must apply for ‘know-it-all’ status asap.

Level 3 – Gossip as A Cause

Don’t you dare hide, you know who you are! This is when gossip is treated like a cause, a purposeful cause. It MUST be done, obviously there is some element of entertainment attached to it. Come on, who the fuck are we kidding? It’s like discussing  a soap and that is exactly why we do it. There is no cause or purpose or ‘wellbeing’ that we’re concerned about. The false assumption with this goes, ‘I only talk, because I care’.

Level 4 – Bitch Session

Oh this is my favorite on some days. Add a cup of coffee and a shisha (hookah) – and I feel like an empress from the Mughal era. Sitting on my throne (usually a wooden, shaky chair), puffing away and discussing people and their lives as if my take on it will determine their future. If only, I was the authority of all things (sigh), the truth is, this is the dirtiest, filthiest of them all. Later, once karma kicks in you feel like the bitch.

But for reference purposes, I was indulging in only level 2 gossip that day. Discussing the activities of a family friend. And this is how the post came to me, we were discussing how ‘someone’ had gone off to Vegas to deliver their baby. This someone lives miles away in Pakistan and honey, if you go to Vegas to deliver there’s clearly some crazy shit we missed in the rule book. Now all of you might wonder why am I targeting Vegas, I’m not, I just think my title sounds savvier with Vegas in it but what really gets to me is this traveling across continents to deliver a baby. According to popular belief, the babies come out with accents. Nah, that’s just a myth but one worth experimenting.

So I started thinking,what inspires this whole international babies business. I belong to a developing (questionable) country and hence, many people I know travel abroad to pop because it’s quite the trend. I have hardly ever heard of a British family moving to India, Pakistan or Bangladesh to bring their little one into the world – I suppose it would just be too loud for them. And I don’t blame them. So I thought perhaps there must be a good rationale for this ‘International Baby Business’. Having taken a course in International Management recently I am even more intrigued about this genre of reproduction and am tempted to apply my classroom concepts but I think I wouldn’t be doing justice to all my readers – hence I should stick to the sarcastic bitch in me. Apologies in advance.

Credits: http://www.spreadshirts.com

So here’s a list of why I think these parents believe delivering abroad, especially, in Vegas may have its advantages. All of us deserve a fair chance.

The passport – Now that’s fair isn’t it? You were born with a shitty passport that wouldn’t even allow you into Africa without a visa so you think how about I make it easier for my kid who will one day (hopefully) make it easier for me. Sorry to break it to you mum and dad, but kids these days learn how to say fuck before they can properly pronounce ‘Barney’ (yes, the same one who once loved us all, what a Play Boy that one turned out to be). If you don’t believe me do visit FML, a recent discovery courtesy Rockstar Boyfriend. I’m not too sure if they’d be too excited to share their ticket to the moon with you. But do try.

– Social Support (not the government kind) – You know that one person in the group who always has something they bought ‘abroad’ – well guess what? You have a baby from abroad. Who the fuck can top that? I bet their new Louis Vitton cannot drool and smile like an angel?

– Travel Excuse – ‘Now, dah-lings, I am only in my 2nd week I should be on board a flight and off to greener pastures way before my travel is banned by the doctors.’ Must find the version of ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting‘ that gives you this advice.

– Internationalism in the Blood – Now let’s not be so modest. We all love a little bit of international in us. How else do you explain the obsessive love affair with India and other ‘exotic’ locations that some celebrities have / had (Madonna in the 90’s anyone?). Hence, once this international mini being is popped out, you suddenly have internationalism flowing in your genes and you are now authorized to associate it with the family. ‘Oh with x in our family, we’re half British anyway’ (insert fake British accent practiced in the hospital with the nurse who was actually Irish – oops?) you poor innocent soul, if you just delivered the baby in Britain, it just means you paid about $1000 extra for a job you could have had done in your own home country.

– Delivery-cation – Okay, so since you don’t actually live in the country / city you’ve moved to bring your child to the world in, you must decide on how to kill time. No, reading and coffee just don’t cut it. Since we ARE going to deliver in another country why not pick the best city where we can also spend money on ‘maybe’ making money? That’s right – Vegas baby! Like I mentioned, true story! And if you’re really lucky, the baby might just pop out a professional gambler – oh that should change things for you!

– Developed Country Deception – Now, I know you all won’t agree with me and those with some credible medical degrees will probably never come back to this blog (and I care). Here’s my theory,  it’s a pretty sweet deal if you can deliver your baby in a more developed country where its not as loud as back home, where you’re not hounded by family members to pull on the baby’s cheeks every darn day they spend in that hospital cot, where you’re not forced make your baby try food that it shouldn’t eat for another 5 years or so, where you’re not panicking every second about what might happen to the country. However, when you take the baby back to your home country and things are not as sweet as they were in what you can only call paradise – you’re kind of fucking with their head. I say save on the $1000 and keep it real, if you can?

– ABC & XYZ did it too – ‘Dah-ling, if my Savvy Sider friends are now getting involved in IBB (umm, International Baby Business, keep up!), we must all do it too. There’s no way around it. Even if there is – we refuse to see it, because we can afford to.

Bottom Line: Popping Babies while Partying in Vegas is the absurd fashion statement of 2011. Too bad we can’t put a bar code on human babies with a ‘Made in Vegas‘ stamp eh? Would be so damn savvy!

Now while you go along judging my age and me before reading this post, I say hold your horses. While I’m a perfectly young 20-something who was not only there when the likes of Orkut and My Space happened, but also during the sad days  of mIRC and ICQ. Oh wait, that does imply I’m ancient! But it also indicates that I am highly experienced in what once used to be ‘random internet interaction‘ and is now ‘familiar social networking‘. It’s all about replacing old ideas with new technology and giving them a fancy name. You will be shunned if you are even caught referring to using ‘Facebook Chat’ or ‘Google Talk’ as ‘chatting‘ – that is soooo 90’s dah-lings isn’t it? My non-simpleton readers are just cringing with disgust right now. sigh.

Having spent the morning reading a case study on Nintendo Wii and desiring one (again, donations are duly welcome) – I couldn’t help but post this before I went back to studying. After all, I have literally been dreaming about writing this post. Revelations if you must.

So here’s how it goes, back in the late 90’s the internet was a rarity in my part of the world and my Celebrity Sister would generously allocate 15 whole minutes (fortnightly basis only) to me for ‘internet usage’.  This basically entailed me randomly going on to ‘irc‘ (as we called it back then) and talk to random people. Yes, that is sad. And in those 900 sweet seconds I thought I was at the peak of technology as it was happening. This was the 90’s baby and I was there. Well, in retrospect, not even close. But the possibility of being in a space where people didn’t know anything about you was perfect. In a city, where the ‘cool‘ few were distinct quite obviously from the ‘random‘ many this was an opportunity to make yourself just about anyone. It was a dream come true. Of course later, finding out that the person you’re talking to is also your brother’s friend who in real life thinks you’re a complete dork would not work out for you. But that’s another story.

The ‘chat platforms‘ (just to save myself from all those savvy people reading this post), continued to evolve. We decided that talking to random people was perhaps not the way to go. We decided to leave that to the online forums and ‘interest chat rooms’, which we weren’t really interested in to begin with. We stuck to the likes of MSN and then the true purpose in life was the number of contacts I can gain? Do I have more ‘friends’ than my friend x or even better am I running out of categories to put people in? And yes, while we believed the random contacting was sooo out of fashion we seriously thought adding people with random email addresses with ‘cute’, ‘sweet’, ‘caring’ and the best of them all, a cartoon character, was perhaps the best description of someone’s personality. Sigh, good old presumptuous days.

As the possibilities of the internet expanded and we all got cable television (yes, I’m from that time too) we felt closer to the celebrities we all aspired to be. Not necessarily pop stars and actors but business tycoons, authors, royal family members and even philanthropists. We had more information about them, we had websites dedicated to them – we somehow felt inspired to lead their busy lives or learn from their personalities. I remember spending tons of time on such websites tracking future tours of (I don’t want to say boy bands I still have a reputation) some very popular music bands. Now we all started looking for the opportunity to really be ‘someone’ beyond our happening (read: sordid) lives. Besides, this was the age of the internet, wasn’t it ‘Time’ that named ‘You’ as person of the year in 2006. This was supposed to be our fucking time damn it.

And hence, along came Orkut. This social networking site was launched when I was in my undergrad (stop making calculations, you won’t get very far) and it was all over the place. This was what we wanted, a web page dedicated to ourselves with our friends and what we like or believe in and of course, we could all use a good ego rub with an endorsement from a good friend. Yes, that’s right, you write me an endorsement and I am your best friend. Those were the days! Now this stumped irc and MSN – why? Because now we didn’t randomly talk to people, only interacted with those we knew AND could first scan profiles of. Perhaps, ‘stalking’ would be too harsh a word? It was perfect, you go out with a few people, see someone you want to get to know, look them up on Orkut, get to know them on the very authentic information they post about themselves and befriend them. The world, an ideal, happy happy place.

And if we thought Orkut had offered everything we needed, Mark Zuckerberg’s Facebook, trod along to make things better (read: worse for some of us). I must admit, I was as hooked on to Facebook as anyone else who belonged to my generation (yes, laugh!). People follow people right? (quite literally in the case of Facebook and Twitter) – Facebook was a better version of Orkut. A lot more interactive, more personalized, can almost be considered the ‘inventor’ of apps (Sorry Steve Jobs) and best of all it was fun. Moving on from our celebrity profiles on Orkut – we now had a better opportunity not only to form a super sexy profile (come on, it’s true) with the basics from Orkut but add pictures and applications, show off what hot events we’ll be attending this season (you know who you are) and play games – Facebook took on a life of it’s own and had everyone and anyone signing up. While I thoroughly enjoyed Facebook-ing initially, (and I understand this is a very difficult realization for most to reach) there are some things about the site that I still can’t stand. Yet I end up there (usually, without even knowing it, sneaky browsers and fingers definitely conspiring) just to get an update on what’s happening. So for those of you who live by Facebook – I suggest you stop reading for others who enjoy the madness that is Facebook (most times) please read and enjoy the following observations:

1. Random news pieces of extra active people on my profile

You see there is a fine line between reporting an important (questionable) event in your life and giving second by second updates of what you are doing now. No, I do not want to know about your sudden need to inform your 400+ friends that you are bored. Clearly, you’re active on Facebook for a reason. Definitely, don’t want to know about your new found mole and what it might mean. There are medical practitioners for those things.

2. The Games

Thankfully the Farmville phase has finally ended (What? You’re still playing? I think the ‘Facebook Fashionables‘ are looking at you with a lot of disappointment right now) . If I heard one more person I was meeting physically mention their ‘ruined crop’ I would have smashed them. And not in the Facebook app way.

3. My Number of Friends Vs. Your Number of Friends

This battle resulted in, random people I had seen for at least more than 5 years of my life in school everyday yet never spoken to, adding me as their ‘friends’. Now it’s tricky, if you add them you’re just accepting their non-existent friendship but if you don’t you just might see them randomly some day and all you can think of is them thinking – ‘Bitch, never added me‘ and you’re thinking  ‘Damn, I should have added her to avoid the unsaid awkward confrontation.’ You see, it’s quite sticky.

4. Profile Chain

Now some of you may not realize this but when we log in to Facebook randomly, we’re not really looking to spend more than a few minutes on our profiles (stop glaring addicts, I know you spend all day on the darn site while you’re pretending to be busy on your computers at work). But for some of us, we just want to hop in and hop out. That’s not how it works though does it? You start with an innocent log in which usually results in randomly clicking on a comment or a video. This is all just working as per our original plan – BUT little do we realize, this is what’s really happening – suddenly the time is almost 20 minutes past your original allocated time, you’re on some random page or profile that you have basically nothing to do with and you have just ‘liked‘ 3 pages you have no real interest in and you’re about to click on a link / article / video only because 5 people you know think it’s awesome. So for some of us with a weak tolerance of random Facebook-ing, this can be prove to be rather exhausting and mind numbing.

5. ‘Awesome Life’ Update

Here’s the problem, like I said earlier, we all want an opportunity to flaunt our lives – hence, the complete devotion to making our lives ‘look’ (pay attention) – as breathtakingly amazing as possible and even if they aren’t we’ll add an ‘interesting twist’ to it. This incessant need to jazz up every small ‘detail’ of our lives – I fail to understand its mere purpose.

Cartoon Credit: The Boy

Case in point 1:

Current status in real time – Boss at work just gave you shit about some work you were supposed to do, things are relatively down for you today. Perfectly normal down, nothing to go over the moon about.

Current status on Facebook – Oh my God, Some people just suck so much. Looking forward to my ice cream this evening. (because we all care!)

Case in point 2:

[Abc & xyz are good friends. They meet at school, post school hang out with friends, probably are on each others’ fancy chat lists and also are on each other’s bbms (blackberry messengers dah-lings, try and cope now will you) through which they actively communicate – however here’s their conversation on Facebook]

abc: Xyzzzzz, i just saw x movie and omg he looks so hot and did you see him??

xyz: Yes, I saw I saw. And I didn’t tell you guess who I ran into. Wait I’ll bbm you.

abc: Who who? didn’t get your message yet. Btw, what a hottie pic of you and jklm [insert some hearts].

abc: OMG – I just got your message NOWAY! I’m so excited can’t wait to get more details.

xyz: I KNOW. Can’t wait to give you details. Wait, I’ll call you now or no wait I’ll bbm you. Thanks for the pic [insert heart] – I have a few more from that day just bbm-ing them to you.

abc: Nooooo, call me, omg I can’t wait to hear it all.

xyz: Okay calling calling.

Now that I have spent a significant time drafting this 1700 word post – I think I should move back to those finals I have next week!

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