Now, Savvy Siders (oh yes, I do have a new term for you), before you wander off to the fantasies of of Vegas in all its glitz and glamour I would suggest you hold your horses or Hubby dah-lings’ new Porsche, if I may? My simpleton readers, modest souls that they are, only associate the simple entertainment of gambling and drunken nights (Hangover taught us well) with the city hence it is essential that I bring them up to speed with the latest trends.
There is indeed more to Vegas or the foreign lands these days and my trendy readers would know, I recently learned that its one of the venues for the trend I shall disclose soon. Ohh I foresee some excitement wait till we get to it and I stop my usual digression. To those who belong to the regular breed of the likes of me this will come as a shock so I suggest you hold on to your hearts, cups of coffee, mind and mp3 devices very very close.
The story for this post goes (as they always do with me), I was discussing the logo for this blog with Celebrity Sister and let’s just say the parents were successful in transferring the creative gene to her (god only knows how that went down!) and not so much with me. I suppose I got the B and S gene in abundance (read: Bitchy and Sarcastic). As all of you of the female / metro / bi / hetro breed would know, such random yet landmark-ish discussions also present a rare opportunity to share a little bit of gossip. What can I say, all we need is a good excuse. Almost like a treat at the end of a ‘productive’ brainstorming session. Now before you assume I’m discriminating against the hetro boys here, I’m not there’s just too much testosterone there to carry out a decent gossip session, they just aren’t programmed well enough.
So back to gossip – don’t get me wrong, I am well aware how my savvy readers have a different definition on how gossip is conducted – yes, we need a round table at the new 5 star restaurant, a new designer bag in one hand a ‘princess’ cut diamond ring in the other (I know a thing or two from those dreadful shopping trips to the jewelry store) and a newly acquired accent to go with it. Oh honey, we don’t do British or American anymore – we can do French, Italian and even that Spanish accent that Penelope Cruz speaks in is oh-so-sexy. This particularly applies to my savvy readers from Asia – oh we all want everything ‘foreign’ don’t we and accents are just an indirect way of saying – ‘I have traveled to America 10 times, albeit for trips that hardly lasted a month, I am American already’. So gossip has 03 levels – no, actually make that 04.
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Level 1 – Innocent Gossip
This is the lowest level – this is like finding out about something and discussing it without even trying. This is purely innocent. If gossip was a crime and they had to allow some element of it to exist for the sanity of humans – this is the one that the judicial system would allow, it is THAT innocent. (Just had an internal laugh at the thought of ‘Gossip Police’). The general assumption with this one is the we only ever engage in innocent gossip but unfortunately that isn’t really the case is it?
Level 2 – Intentional Gossip
This is a notch up from Innocent Gossip but involves all the intentions of discussing the newly acquired information further. How x event happened, who was involved, what are the expected consequences of the situation (we’re all experts you see). This is still usually conducted with a close group of friends and family. Fuck it – they’re all presumably close friends and family. Can’t go as far as to make that claim ‘just’ yet, must apply for ‘know-it-all’ status asap.
Level 3 – Gossip as A Cause
Don’t you dare hide, you know who you are! This is when gossip is treated like a cause, a purposeful cause. It MUST be done, obviously there is some element of entertainment attached to it. Come on, who the fuck are we kidding? It’s like discussing a soap and that is exactly why we do it. There is no cause or purpose or ‘wellbeing’ that we’re concerned about. The false assumption with this goes, ‘I only talk, because I care’.
Level 4 – Bitch Session
Oh this is my favorite on some days. Add a cup of coffee and a shisha (hookah) – and I feel like an empress from the Mughal era. Sitting on my throne (usually a wooden, shaky chair), puffing away and discussing people and their lives as if my take on it will determine their future. If only, I was the authority of all things (sigh), the truth is, this is the dirtiest, filthiest of them all. Later, once karma kicks in you feel like the bitch.
But for reference purposes, I was indulging in only level 2 gossip that day. Discussing the activities of a family friend. And this is how the post came to me, we were discussing how ‘someone’ had gone off to Vegas to deliver their baby. This someone lives miles away in Pakistan and honey, if you go to Vegas to deliver there’s clearly some crazy shit we missed in the rule book. Now all of you might wonder why am I targeting Vegas, I’m not, I just think my title sounds savvier with Vegas in it but what really gets to me is this traveling across continents to deliver a baby. According to popular belief, the babies come out with accents. Nah, that’s just a myth but one worth experimenting.
So I started thinking,what inspires this whole international babies business. I belong to a developing (questionable) country and hence, many people I know travel abroad to pop because it’s quite the trend. I have hardly ever heard of a British family moving to India, Pakistan or Bangladesh to bring their little one into the world – I suppose it would just be too loud for them. And I don’t blame them. So I thought perhaps there must be a good rationale for this ‘International Baby Business’. Having taken a course in International Management recently I am even more intrigued about this genre of reproduction and am tempted to apply my classroom concepts but I think I wouldn’t be doing justice to all my readers – hence I should stick to the sarcastic bitch in me. Apologies in advance.
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So here’s a list of why I think these parents believe delivering abroad, especially, in Vegas may have its advantages. All of us deserve a fair chance.
– The passport – Now that’s fair isn’t it? You were born with a shitty passport that wouldn’t even allow you into Africa without a visa so you think how about I make it easier for my kid who will one day (hopefully) make it easier for me. Sorry to break it to you mum and dad, but kids these days learn how to say fuck before they can properly pronounce ‘Barney’ (yes, the same one who once loved us all, what a Play Boy that one turned out to be). If you don’t believe me do visit FML, a recent discovery courtesy Rockstar Boyfriend. I’m not too sure if they’d be too excited to share their ticket to the moon with you. But do try.
– Social Support (not the government kind) – You know that one person in the group who always has something they bought ‘abroad’ – well guess what? You have a baby from abroad. Who the fuck can top that? I bet their new Louis Vitton cannot drool and smile like an angel?
– Travel Excuse – ‘Now, dah-lings, I am only in my 2nd week I should be on board a flight and off to greener pastures way before my travel is banned by the doctors.’ Must find the version of ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting‘ that gives you this advice.
– Internationalism in the Blood – Now let’s not be so modest. We all love a little bit of international in us. How else do you explain the obsessive love affair with India and other ‘exotic’ locations that some celebrities have / had (Madonna in the 90’s anyone?). Hence, once this international mini being is popped out, you suddenly have internationalism flowing in your genes and you are now authorized to associate it with the family. ‘Oh with x in our family, we’re half British anyway’ (insert fake British accent practiced in the hospital with the nurse who was actually Irish – oops?) you poor innocent soul, if you just delivered the baby in Britain, it just means you paid about $1000 extra for a job you could have had done in your own home country.
– Delivery-cation – Okay, so since you don’t actually live in the country / city you’ve moved to bring your child to the world in, you must decide on how to kill time. No, reading and coffee just don’t cut it. Since we ARE going to deliver in another country why not pick the best city where we can also spend money on ‘maybe’ making money? That’s right – Vegas baby! Like I mentioned, true story! And if you’re really lucky, the baby might just pop out a professional gambler – oh that should change things for you!
– Developed Country Deception – Now, I know you all won’t agree with me and those with some credible medical degrees will probably never come back to this blog (and I care). Here’s my theory, it’s a pretty sweet deal if you can deliver your baby in a more developed country where its not as loud as back home, where you’re not hounded by family members to pull on the baby’s cheeks every darn day they spend in that hospital cot, where you’re not forced make your baby try food that it shouldn’t eat for another 5 years or so, where you’re not panicking every second about what might happen to the country. However, when you take the baby back to your home country and things are not as sweet as they were in what you can only call paradise – you’re kind of fucking with their head. I say save on the $1000 and keep it real, if you can?
– ABC & XYZ did it too – ‘Dah-ling, if my Savvy Sider friends are now getting involved in IBB (umm, International Baby Business, keep up!), we must all do it too. There’s no way around it. Even if there is – we refuse to see it, because we can afford to.
Bottom Line: Popping Babies while Partying in Vegas is the absurd fashion statement of 2011. Too bad we can’t put a bar code on human babies with a ‘Made in Vegas‘ stamp eh? Would be so damn savvy!
Simple Is The New Black 